


D&DC

by Johnny_Charisma



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily Shenanigans, Just let me be happy, Selina and Bruce are Married, The Batfam play D&D with the Rogues, They're friends goddamn it, Tom King was never born, also she knows all their identities, cass and harper are dating, harley and ivy are married, harley is in a discord server with the batfam, just makes the writing easier, stephanie tries to become besties with barbara, tim and kate bond over their sheer propensity for fuckery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-06-30 12:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johnny_Charisma/pseuds/Johnny_Charisma
Summary: Semi-retired and married, Harley Quinn decides to bring the Batfamily and the select Rogues who aren't total dicks together for a D&D session. It goes completely fine with only minor disturbances because my girl has put up with enough shit from DC thus far and deserves a nice gathering to just roll some dice with her wife and buddies.





	1. Character Creation Screen

**Author's Note:**

> Been toying with this idea for a while. Halfway through writing, realised if I do this I'll have to actually like create characters and plan a campaign and stuff. Decided to do it anyway. As a result, I've got the next chapter more or less shaken out but beyond that, nothing. Still, this is mostly just therapeutic writing to fix... Well if you're reading fanfiction, you know what I'm here to fix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -TRIGGER-  
> I know I put graphic depiction of violence in the tags but I felt I should put a specific warning here. Chapter 3, and I'm going to assume pretty much every chapter from then on, describes self-harm in minor detail. The self-harm contained in this work is not done out of depression or other mental illnesses, the Blood Hunter D&D class is just Gnarly Like That, and is restricted to cutting palms in combat scenes.
> 
> You have been warned dudes and dudettes.

##  _Part 1: Recruitment Drive_

**KAHNDAQ**

**0437 HOURS**

"So let me see if I got this situation right."

Floyd Lawton rubbed his temples, as he often did when running a Suicide Squad op with the infamous Harleen Quinzel. He didn't much mind the turbulence from the dropship when heading back to Belle Reve but Harley's latest outlandish scheme was giving him the mother of all migraines and he needed to sit still and think, not get jostled around by the new pilot. Why Waller fired Larry, he'll never understand.

"You… want me… to play… Dungeons And Dragons… with you and your wife…"

"And Batman!"

"And… Bat- Harley, why Batman? What possible force on Earth could compel you to play a tabletop game with Batman? Ivy, sure, go nuts, you're married or whatever but why our enemy?" Harley grabbed her seat and closed her eyes, suppressing the urge to kick in the door to the cockpit and kill the new pilot. "Aw c'mon, it'll be like team bonding!"

"You have to be on the same team to bond, Harley. He actively dislikes guns and at this point in my life, I'm like, 75% gun." The plane, thankfully, landed and they bolted off, letting Killer Croc deal with the pilot while they reported back to The Wall. "Yeah but you're a nice gun! A gun you can cuddle! A gun you can drink with! I'm sure Batsy could respect that!" He patted her on the shoulder. "Thanks, clown. Still not doing it."

"Aw pleeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeeepleasepleasepleaseplease???? I got a whole campaign planned out and everythin!" They halted outside Waller's office and his hard brown eyes bored into her baby blues. "If - IF - I consider it, will you never bug me again about it?" She scratched the back of her head. "Well I mean there's character creation and stuff, but-"

"Bug you about what, Lawton?" The imposing figure of Amanda Waller, AKA The Wall, stood in her office doorway, hands tightly behind her back, shorter than him yet somehow looking down on the assassin. "It better be about something relevant to your mission report."

"Hey, Wall. Harley wants me to play a tabletop game." A smile fought to get out of Waller's lips but she suppressed it. "And you can do it in your designated recreation time. When we give you designated recreation time. Which will be never." He looked at Waller tiredly. "She wants to play it with Batman, me, the walking plant, a few other Rogues." Amanda paused then let out a terrifying sound Floyd thought might be a laugh. "Yeah, that sounds like Quinn all right!" Harley bounced up and down on her toes while Floyd let himself into her office to file the mission data on her desktop. "See, Waller thinks it's a good idea!" Amanda shook her head. "I actually think it's terrible. But I'd allow it. You know why? Because it means the mighty and powerful Batman can babysit you. Take you off my hands for a few hours. Deadshot, get off my computer or I will press that button, so help me God." Floyd continued tapping away, not looking up. As one of the longest standing members of the Squad, years of exposure to Amanda's threats meant they held no sway over him anymore. She was powerless. "That bomb in my head is the only thing keeping me from snooping around your files, ma'am. I'm not doing the board game thing."

One mission report later, Harley still wasn't letting up as Floyd went back to his cell and Harley got ready to head out for her scheduled once-a-month week back home with her floral flame. "Is this what you've really been doing with your time here?" Harley nodded. "Well, can't say you didn't find a hobby. Hope it goes well. Give Red my love." He walked faster, leaving Harley in the middle of the corridor. "Hey, it'll give you something to do with Zoe!" Deadshot froze and rubbed his face, contemplating. He turned around and walked back to Harley. "Tell me about this campaign."

**WAYNE MANOR**

**2012 HOURS**

"Sir, I have some… confounding news." Bruce Wayne stood by the Batmobile, cowl in his hands, ready for another night of justice. He was usually always the first out, but he was still Bruce Wayne and Bruce Wayne has meetings and meetings sometimes run long. Before he would have made excuses, but now he had a whole family of capable soldiers, ready to share his responsibilities at a moment's notice. Even so, he was more than ready to go out now, but he always had a moment for Alfred. He put on the cowl and turned to face the man who became his father the instant his life went down the drain, waiting patiently. "It appears that Mrs. Isley-Quinn wishes to play Dungeons And Dragons with you."

"I'm sorry, Alfred, those exploding batarangs and smoke bombs must have caught up with me after all these years." Alfred gave a wry smile. "I didn't know you were capable of humour, sir. Shall this finally be the day I send you to a hospital?" Bruce got in the Batmobile. "Not when there's work to be done, Pennyworth. I'm sure Kate and Dick can hold down the fort a little longer. It's my understanding she got out of Belle Reve today to spend a week with Pamela. I'll go ask." Alfred gave a curt bow and stood back as the engine roared and Batman sped off into the night.

**HOME OF DRs. PAMELA AND HARLEEN ISLEY-QUINZEL**

**2103 HOURS**

"My plants tell me when you appear, Batman. There's no use or point hiding. We're not enemies anymore, at least not as intensely as we used to be. You're welcome in our home". The plants politely moved aside as Batman silently slipped in, muttering a "thank you" as he did so. He moved over to stand next to Poison Ivy, who was lounging on the couch in pyjama shorts and a tank top with a glass of red wine watching Heathers. "Harley even considers you a friend, though she'd never admit it. I wouldn't go that far myself, but her opinions are my opinions, such is married life."

"And how is that working for you?"

"Very well, thank you for asking."

"I never told you how beautiful the ceremony was."

"Wasn't it? Could you tell I did the flower arrangements?"

"I would never have guessed. Though personally, I would have gone for rhododendrons."

" _Really?_ Fascinating. The more you know." A toilet flushed from somewhere past the kitchen and Harley walked in dressed in Hello Kitty pyjamas. "Hey babe, were you talking to somebAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Batman nodded at her. "Harley." The clown clutched her chest and leaned against the doorframe, panting heavily. She jutted her chin out. "Sup? You just gonna stand there all creepy like or are you gonna sit down?" Batman looked at the couch then back at Harley. "Yes. What's this I hear about a board game?" Harley started to laugh. "Oh good, so you're in? Gotta say I was nervous because you hate fun."

"I don't hate-"

"You hate fun and I couldn't have just a bunch of Rogues come round because then you'd crash through the window or something and then my flow would be ruined and I HATE HAVING MY FLOW RUINED so then we'd have to fight and all my notes would go everywhere and character sheets would get damaged and miniatures would break and ahhhh I just thought it would be best if I brought you in." Batman stood there in silence. "You've really thought this through, huh?" Pamela spun round, almost spilling her wine. "EVERY NIGHT! EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT SHE ASKS ME ABOUT STUFF! SHE GETS HER LEAVE FROM THE SQUAD, COMES ROUND AND FRANTICALLY WRITES DOWN HER NOTES. I HAD TO BEG WALLER TO GIVE HER NOTEPADS AND PENS BEFORE SHE STARTED WRITING ON OUR WALLS!" Harley leapt over the back of the couch and straddled Pamela, smiling maniacally and showering her in kisses. "AND I GOT IT TO WORK! I GOT THE CAMPAIGN TO WORK!" Pamela slapped her on the arm multiple times. "Shhh, you'll wake Lucy!"

"It's perfecto!" Said JD from the TV. "THANK YOU, HOT 90s ACTOR CHRISTIAN SLATER! Babe, come on! It'll be so fun!! Ooh idea! Bring your 900 kids, b-man!"

"And leave Gotham defenceless? I don't think so." Harley sat up and put her fists on her hips. "Mr. Dark Knight, have you considered that the Gotham City police department is comprised of capable men and women who don't actually need your help to stop a purse snatcher? The Rogues, yeah of course they're fucking useless when it comes to the Rogues, but a purse snatcher?" Batman grumbled for a moment. "I'll… consider it." Harley squealed and threw her arms around the Caped Crusader. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou Bats!"

"Say hello to Selina for us. We miss her."

**WAYNE MANOR**

**1529 HOURS**

The Batfamily had… mixed reactions, some positive, some negative but all along the lines of "are you NUTS?!" Dick, who had avidly supported the idea, along with Jason, Barbara and Harper suggested a sort of debate where they argue their points. Not being an activity where any furniture or walls were damaged, Bruce and Alfred were all for it. "I, for one," started Dick "think it could be a great family activity. I think we all need something challenging. Bruce, I know The Mark Of Zorro was a major turnstile in your personal quote-unquote growth, but you gotta pick a different movie my dude. For your sake as well as ours. All those in favour of Bruce watching a different movie next family movie night?" All hands shot up, except for Bruce's, who sighed in resignation. "OK, now about this Dungeons and Dragons thing. Harleen Isley-Quinzel has grown a lot as a person since her separation with Joker. She's married. She's got a daughter and pets now, even if those pets are Jokerized hyenas who she had to give to the zoo so they could get proper care. She's part of a healthy, functioning family. All in favour of asking her what that feels like next time we see her?" Again, every hand raised straight up. Bruce brooded broodily as Bruce often did. Selina soothingly stroked his back but Bruce still brooded for Selina's hand also shot straight up. "So I say it'll be fun. She just wants to hang. If it was a trap, I think we can all agree she'd create something smarter than "come to my apartment and roll some dice". I thank you for your time." Dick stepped off the makeshift podium constructed of a high-backed chair, a blanket and lots of pillows and his fiercest opponent, Damian Wayne, arrogant shit, stepped on a stepladder on the podium. "I have nothing to say except are we really going to let ourselves be so easily lured in?" Jason, sitting at the back of the "audience" in a Wonder Woman t-shirt and cargo pants that complimented his absolutely primo thighs just so well yelled "lured by what, d20s and murder jello?" to which Damian's elegant riposte was "shut the HELL UP, TODD! As I was saying, there are too many variables. She wants to play with other Rogues. We don't know who they are. Conflicts could arise. Use your brains and think about this. The floor is now open." Jason scrambled up to talk. "We could always ask who's playing. We know it's not Joker for sure. All in favour of taking caution and examining the situation raise your hand." Damian, Bruce and Barbara were the only candidates. "All in favour of Damian shutting up and letting me fight skeletons with a katana that is both on FIRE and has LIGHTNING arcing off of it in peace raise your hand." Jason revelled in his landslide success. Harper kept her hand raised. "You, lady in the flannel."

"I don't think you'll get a fire/lightning combo big dick energy sword at level 1."

"I'll take it up with the DM, who I assume is Quinn. Any more questions?"

Barbara raised her hand. "What are you doing to help the economic climate in Gotham and why should we vote for you?"

"No two-parters please."

"Fine. Why should we vote for you?"

"Have you seen these thighs? Why would you not vote for me?" Stephanie went next. "What are you doing to deal with the hostile actions of this… "Bat Man"?"

"The Batman is an urban myth. Rest assured if any costumed freaks were running around we'd bring them in immediately. Maybe vigilantism is tolerated by those hippies in Metropolis but we Gothamites believe in law and order. This meeting is adjourned. Let's roll some fucking initiative."

"Tt."

##  _Part 2: The Indifferent_

**WAYNE MANOR**

**1242 HOURS**

"Father, I don't understand why we're going through with this. It could very well be an ambush." Bruce knelt down to look his only blood son in the eyes. He'd come a long way from his League upbringing but he still clung to one or two ideals. "Damian, you're right, it could be. But Dick is also right. You might be one of the best well trained in the family-"

"I'm the best."

"Cassandra is the best."

"Point begrudgingly taken, one of the best, continue."

"But Dick has been here the longest. He's been fighting these people the longest. He knows them the best. And he's right, if this was an ambush, Harley would have come up with a better story than that. We'll be there in our outfits so if it is a trap, we'll be ready. So, just try to enjoy it, OK? Besides, I think it could be… fun." Damian frowned. "Father, you need medical assistance."

"So I've been told. Now what exactly is an ability score?"

"Six statistics, each providing their own benefits or detriments." The two turned to face the new voice. "Hello, Cassandra." She waved sweetly. "To be honest, I don't get this either. But I will. In time."

**BELLE REVE PRISON, CELL BLOCK C**

**1244 HOURS**

_-Intelligence is like general factual knowledge about the world like "Harley Isley-Quinn is the bestest, kindest, most sweetest girl in existence" and Wisdom is mostly for interacting with people and discerning their true intentions, such as "Harley Isley-Quinn, as most people don't know is planning to steal her pet hyenas back.-"_

"Clown, don't tell me you're going to steal them back."

_-No! But now you mention it…-_

" _No_. Just… tell me how I can make myself so I can keep this simple as possible and get it over with as quickly as possible. You sent me so many sourcebooks. Where did you get all those? There's no way you acquired them legally."

_-Aw, but character creation is half the fun!-_

…

_-FIIIIIIINNNEEEE. You want the book that says Unearthed Arcana, the class you're looking for is Artificer. I think UA has a Gunsmith class archetype for the Artificer but you don't get all the archetype bonuses and moves until level 3!-_

Thanks, doll.

_-Yeah, yeah, hang up the phone, lazy ass. I got more people to help with character creation. You're boring.-_

"Oh, like Croc?"

_-Wha… he told you? That was supposed to be a surprise!-_

"No, I get it. He's a lonely guy. You wanted him to feel involved. It was nice of you, Clown."

_-*sniff*-_

"Oh no."

_-That was… the nicest thing you've ever said to me! All this time, I knew you were mushy deep down!-_

"Aw hell."

_-Mushy, mushy, mush-_

_*Click*_

_*Click*_

_-How's my favourite reptile??!!-_

"Pretty good, Harley."

_-Aw you don't sound yourself, Croc! What's wrong, honey?-_

"This character thing is taking longer than expected. Clumsy hands and all. But that's fine. Real issue is I have no idea where I want to take this guy."

_-Hmm. Well, don't tell Shooty McBangBang but you can just make yourself if you're stuck.-_

"Go on."

_-Look at the Blood Hunter class, then look at the Mutant class archetype to see all the stuff you get at level 3. I know it might be in poor taste to suggest a class that is a monster who hunts monsters and I apologise…-_

"That sounds objectively dope as shit. Thanks Harley. For thinking of me, not just this."

**HOME OF DRs. PAMELA AND HARLEEN ISLEY-QUINZEL**

**0257 HOURS**

"Not you too!"

"We're just not that used to… playing literal games with people we apprehend." Batman stood on the balcony with Harley, the two of them having been thrown out by a restless Pamela. 'Curse him and his late nights.' The moment they started chatting, she picked them up using vines, not even bothering to get out of bed, placed them outside and slammed the door. What really bothered her is she didn't outright hate the Batman. It was no secret she hated men but she found him, along with the other male Bats, mostly tolerable at times and since he married one of her two partners in crime, the two had grown to become quite amiable towards each other, acquaintances, even. At least he knew how to treat women with respect, unlike most. A regular Superman, ironically. But you don't let acquaintances fuck up your sleep schedule and you definitely don't let acquaintances just bust into your house at 3 AM, even if they're on good terms with your wife. So out with them. "You nor Deadshot really have a grasp on the character creation thing, do you?"

"I'll be honest Harley, I'm one of the less enthusiastic members. It's not high on my list of priorities." She sighed and rubbed her eyes, yawning. "We couldn't do this, you know, at a time when the not crazy people are out?"

"You know why I can't do that."

"Why not? Are you Bruce Wayne or something? Too busy doing reports and catching up on sleep?" Batman remained completely silent and deadpan. "Holy shit, you are Bruce Wayne." Not a single muscle in his face dared twitch. "Wow. Wow. Wow. This. Wow." Absolutely 100% expressionless. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone but now that I think about it, I mean really think about it… the toys, the money, your weirdly close relationship with Bruce Wayne..." Stone faced and dead silent as she processed, then she was overtaken by a horrible case of the shivers. "Okay. How about we do this, right here and now? Then you can get back to punching with your wife and I can get back to my warm bed and cuddles with mine." He unhooked his cape, wrapped it around her and sat down. She smiled and followed suit. "Okay, let's blow through this quickly. What do you want to fight with, magic or fists?"

"Fists."

"You want those fists to hold stuff like weapons?"

"Is it possible they could hold batarangs?" She sighed in exhaustion. "I guess… we could just give you daggers and say they look like your batathingies. D&D is a game of the imagination. As long as you can give an approximation of a thing, that thing can be whatever you want. So a dagger is really just handheld, blade, can be thrown." He marked that down. Harley yawned again then exhaled deeply. "Gonna be a long night…"

**GCPD INTERROGATION ROOM B**

**1256 HOURS**

Harley sat at the desk, bleary eyed, a thermos of black coffee in her tiny hands, a red and black diamond pattern shawl draped round her neck. Across her sat ex-district attorney, Harvey Dent, now known as Two-Face. "Ley."

"Vey."

"Heard you want a little conference call, is that right?" She nodded tiredly. "Well I'd love to join but unfortunately, as you can see, I'm tied up at the moment." He rattled his handcuffs against the table. "This isn't some code, Dent, I literally just want to play a fucking tabletop game. Is that too much for a girl to ask?" Dent rested back in his chair, twiddling his thumbs. "Suuuuuure". She blinked in surprise. "I'm serious, Harv. I want to roll some dice. Batman will be there. His family will be there. So will Pammy and Deadshot and Croc. Hopefully you.” Harvey flared up. “Batman? You want to get the Bat and his family of freaks into a room with some of the key members of his Rogues gallery? Oh, that’ll go down smooth, I’m sure.” Harley held up her hands defensively. “They’ve agreed to use the honour system about it! And you know they’ll keep their word.” Harvey shook his head and bent his head down so as to be able to scratch it. “I won’t do it, Harley. Sounds like a train wreck to me.” She stood up and adjusted her neck scarf. “Cool. See ya.” She kissed him on his cheek and bounced out of the room. “Quinn.” Harvey hesitantly exhaled as Harley paused in the doorway. “Say… I wanted to see… Just how bad this train wreck was gonna be… How would you make that happen?” She bit her lip, hiding her smile. “Well, you’d have to ride with Bats. You wanna make this commitment, you damn well better be there. Can’t have you running off.” Harvey quickly started mentally constructing a pros/cons list before deciding a room with Batman and fresh air was marginally better than the same four walls, spitting out a “fine”.  
“I’ll hold you to that!!!”

##  _Part 3: The Creative_

**WAYNE MANOR**

**1600 HOURS**

Already convinced, Harper, Jason, Barbara and Stephanie sat at a round table, dice strewn everywhere, sourcebooks flipped to various pages and D&D apps open ready for character creation. Jason had the most experience with D&D out of the four of them, so he acted as a consultant of sorts. Agreeing to go round the table, Harper started first. "So, I'm only familiar with the Player's Handbook stuff. Looking for an anthropomorphic race. Reeks of absolute bastard even if they're good people. Hood, what you got for me?" Jason considered the options, scouring all the contents pages they had open. "Yuan-Ti Pureblood? Snake people." Barbara perked up. "Hey lemme see that." He passed her the book while Harper shook her head. "Sounds like a regal bastard. Looking for feral bastard." Jason scratched his head. After some time trying to find what he was looking for, he said "Hey Babs, could I borrow that?" Barbara handed him Volo's Guide To Monsters. Flipping through some pages, he held up a page showing a humanoid lizard. "Lizardfolk? You could reenact your favourite conspiracy theories!" Harper took it and scanned through the traits. "Yes… yes… possible. Certainly looks like he'd call you a bitch and fuck your wife. Third time's the charm, find one more." Jason leaned back and nodded wisely. "I think I have what you need." Flipping to a page, he landed on a small robed figure with a beak protruding from the hood. "Kenku. Crowpeople. Robbed of their wings. Shady bastards." Harper seized the book with terrifying speed. "Y E S. I already know I want to be a blood hunter, so Jason it's you now." Jason deferred to Barbara. "Psh. I know what I want. WARFORGED, son. Fighter. Picking Samurai at level 3. Red, you wanted the Yuan-Ti Pureblood?" Harper passed back Volo's Guide and Barbara reopened her previous page. "Yeah, I want to make myself, but like in D&D and I think Yuan-Ti would be the best for a librarian. Plus, I can talk to snakes, which is fucking rad. Are there any librarian backgrounds, Jas?" He stood up and patted her shoulder. "Yeah, Sage. In the Player's Handbook. I'm getting a beer. Be right back. You want one?" She gave a thumbs up and took the Handbook from the middle of the table. "I'm playing an Artificer!" She called out. "Sort it when I get back!" He yelled in response. Harper stood and leaned over Stephanie. "Anything interesting?"

Stephanie sighed. "Not really. I'm gonna google for a bit, see what I can't pull up." Harper ruffled her hair and walked off in search of food, leaving Stephanie alone with Barbara. The latter always lost herself in any type of book, and books of this scale, packed with lore and options and variations, she was more invested than ever. Stephanie, however, was an extrovert through and through. She liked Barbara well enough but the two never interacted much outside of work, which left an awkward silence in the air on Stephanie's part. Not out of choice, mind you, they were just those kinds of people. Despite Barbara having trained her for the better part of her teenage years, she still never found much to say to her. Not out of malice or a distaste for Barbara but because there was simply nothing to say. Barbara didn't seem to mind. She was chatty around Dinah and Dick and Bruce and her dad, the people she's known the longest, but Stephanie was new and the silence was killing her slowly, from the heart out. 'No one ever made friends through inaction!' she thought with determination. "Hey Babs, you wanna get some bubble tea or something sometime?" The redhead looked up and smiled. "Sure! This weekend, before the session?" Steph flashed a thumbs up and Barbara returned to the various sourcebooks she had open. 'Nice!'

Jason returned, with a sub sandwich wielding Harper in tow. "So, Artificer, huh?" Barbara shrugged. "Eh. Could be fun. The Smoke Stick you can get at level 3 looks interesting. Went for a Cloistered Scholar background." Jason shot some finger guns. "How about you, blondie?" Stephanie grinned. "Tortle".

"A what?"

"Tortle. An old and wise tortle."

"Turtle?"

"No, Tortle." Steph showed him her phone screen. Tortle she said and Tortle she meant. You can play as a humanoid tortoise. I'm not making this up. They're adorable. Their lore quote is the haiku "I caught a big fish / Now I search for a good friend / To share my lunch with". I want you all to know I love Tortles. Back to the fiction.

Jason nodded approvingly. "Yeah, that sounds like you. What class you gonna pair it with?" Stephanie stood up with haste, almost knocking her chair down. "I will be a WARLOCK, my patron will be A CELESTIAL and the Celestial in question will be a UNICORN!" The group stared in disbelief. "That is… unbelievably Stephanie" Barbara said. "Very much so" backed up Harper. Jason gave a thumbs up and sipped his beer. "Now that's some spicy character creation my dude."

WAREHOUSE UNDER GCPD SURVEILLANCE, LOCATION UNDISCLOSED  
1724 HOURS

"Wait, Eddie… you're into this?" The Riddler laughed. "While I have no desire to play some silly game, Mrs. Isley-Quinn has promised many puzzles and riddles for me to solve. No doubt I'll answer them all within seconds then get bored and leave but I'm interested to hear what her unstable mind has come up with for me." Harvey Dent grumbled out an "if you say so" and carried on with his character creation. The two men sat there, taking notes in silence until Dent felt Eddie's eyes peering at his sheet. The Two-Face persona snapped "WHAT are you LOOKING AT?!" Eddie folded his arms. "Just didn't take you for a Paladin is all. You're not exactly a man of God." The Harvey Dent persona took over. "Well, you know, ex-DA and all… I guess I wanted to know what it feels like to be a good person again." Both personas agreed this was going to be a very, VERY long afternoon and that he was going to regret asking what he asked. "And uh… What about you?"

"A Sorcerer. I wanted a Spellcasting class and Sorcerer was the most sensible. No dealing with gods, no messing around with spellbooks. I've also taken the liberty of picking spells with no material components." Harvey uttered a non-committal "mm" and went about his notes. Eddie, not getting the hint, continued. "I play a water Genasi. I was going to go with air but the extra cantrip and water breathing drew me to it." Harvey nodded inattentively, but still, Eddie's enthusiasm rubbed off on him and despite himself, felt the need to contribute. "Well, uh, I'm an Orc. Feels like a good reflection of… you know." Harvey gestured a hand across his face. "Nothing special." Eddie gave a thumbs up. "That's not bad, Harv!" Harvey considered a moment before deciding. "You… you seem pretty invested, puzzle man. You've done this before?" Eddie nodded. "In high school. You know Crane and I went to school together?" He found himself mildly interested in this factoid. "Oh really?"

"Wasn't nearly as good with chemicals when he was 15. Almost blew up the entire science department once." They both chuckled. "Always assumed he had a natural talent." The two criminals shared stories about their coworkers until they were led back to their cells.

##  _Part 4: The Compelled_

  
**HOME OF DRs. PAMELA AND HARLEEN ISLEY-QUINZEL**

**1135 HOURS**

For convenience and social reasons, Dick had been invited to Pamela and Harley's home for their lunch with Selina. Pamela liked Dick the most out of all the Batboys. Ever so slightly self-aggrandizing at times, yes, but a very nice boy and one who had grown on her a lot since she had become essentially an extended member of Bruce's insane family. He even offered to cook for today. How sweet. Selina showed up first with a bottle of wine, Dick having left his and Starfire's apartment earlier to buy ingredients, arriving some 20 minutes later. Harley snuggled up to Pamela while Selina made herself at home and Dick busied himself in the kitchen. "So while I've got you all here, did you guys make your characters?" Harley was met with an automatic joint response of "sort of". Pamela elaborated first. "Babe, I've made it clear I'm not big on this idea but for you, I decided to try and put some effort in. Only problem is the best option was to just stick to what I know." Dick's voice broke round from the kitchen. "Let me guess. Druid?" She pointed at the kitchen in a 'You Got It' gesture. "And an Elf. I love plants too much." She kissed Harley's neck and booped her nose. "I am sorry light of my life, I'm just not cut out for this." Harley waved dismissively. "You'll do fine!" Selina was next to chime in. "I'm still tweaking mine but we've all had the same problem it seems. As much as I try to create something unique, I can't seem to break away from being a Rogue. I haven't gone through all the races yet so I haven't decided." She sipped her wine as Dick raised his voice so as to be heard clearly from the kitchen. "Human Monk. Same as Bruce except I'll be picking Way Of Sun Soul at level 3 and he'll be picking Way Of Shadow because, y'know, he's Like That." He emerged with a bowl of mozzarella sticks and jalapeño poppers and placed it on the table before disappearing again, taking a popper with him. "You know, the manor is chaos. You're not alone Ivy, there are dissenters in the household of the Big Bad Bat too." Pamela smiled into her wine glass. "Oh really?" Selina backed him up. "There's never peace in that building. Sometimes it's a nice distraction while I paw at some paintings." A look of astonishment washed across Harley's face and amusement overtook Pamela's as Dick called out "oh it was you who took the Pollack?"

"And what'll you do about it, bird boy?"

"Not a damn thing. Take what you want, within reason. If Bruce catches you, we never met."

"Noted." The sound of a faucet sprung to life before squeaking off moments later and Dick flopped down next to Selina. "Why do this, Harley? No judgement, just want to get inside your head." The jester shrugged. "Well, I just… at this point we're largely unconcerned with each other. Sure, there's the odd heist or scheme here and there but Batman has his family and he's married, you're married, I'm married… I just thought it'd be neat if we could all hang out." Dick laughed. "Well D&D is rough as it is. Superman can fly, shoot lasers and lift buildings but if you can get everyone in that family to cooperate and play as a team, you'll really be the true superhero." Harley beamed at him. "Honestly, I think deep down, we all know the Rogues will be fine. But you've never bore witness to a Batfamily argument before." Selina sipped her wine. "They are… something to behold, put it that way. Luckily, I've managed to stay at the sidelines. I'd prefer to have my entire body broken by Bane while on fear gas." Harley choked on a popper. "Jesus."

"Ain't no jesus in that house, Quinn, let me tell you." The rest of the afternoon was spent in light amusement. Dick had cooked a lovely bowl of egg fried rice and vermicelli noodles with spring rolls that nobody could consume as Harley temporarily accessed the Speed Force and devoured them all in an instant, which was met with a wave of angry glares. After a period of watching crap daytime TV, they parted ways. "Hey!" Harley called as they headed up the driveway. "Get those characters done!"

"Will do!"

"Okay bye!"

##  _Part 5: The Filthy Memers_

**OFFICE OF KATHERINE R. KANE, KANE INDUSTRIES**

**1920 HOURS**

"You sure do like red." Tim Drake lay upside down next to Kate Kane, also upside down, on her office couch, his appearance in the building excused by an intern cover story, which wasn't entirely untrue. Tim was graduating soon and his engineer's mind was drawn to Kane Industries' fascinating progress, as was Harper but she wanted to travel with Cullen for a year or two after graduation. For most of the day, he was in the engineering labs but around quitting time, he headed up to see the CEO. And work out their D&D characters. Very serious business, you know. The exec and her protege looked around her office. "Yeah. The key is to make it vibrant, but not garish. And add some funky patterns to it." Kate did a lazy backwards roll off the couch and clumsily tumbled, landing with her legs outstretched, smacking her head against the desk. "Ow. So first," she picked herself up and moved to her office whiteboard, writing the word 'DUMBASS' on it and slapped the board. "We need to acknowledge that this is us." Tim, still upside down, nodded. "We have not done this before and we must be the ones to go absolutely hog wild on character creation. We CANNOT take this even a tiny bit seriously, do you understand? Our characters must not be representative of ourselves yet not look like we actually cared about making them. We are Frankenstein and these are our Monsters. This process must be comprised entirely of constantly asking "hey, you know what would be fucking funny?" Got that?" Tim gave an upside down thumbs up and sipped his iced coffee. "Ok. Now, let's start with you. What would be fucking funny?" At this, Tim swung his legs round and sat up. "The race should not match the class. Like... Like a gnome who's a Barbarian and like really buff." Kate tilted her head from side to side, considering it. "Eh. You can get like Dwarven Barbarians and it wouldn't be weird. Go further. Use my desktop to Google while I think of something good for me." Tim slid off the couch and logged in, clicking around on various D&D sites while Kate paced. Finally he settled. "OK how about this?" Kate stopped and turned on her heel. "Hit me."

"An elephant."

"Ok, good! I like it, I like it!"

"That can kill you not by trampling (though it does have a trample action)..."

"Yes…?"

"But kills you with an open palm strike." Kate nodded very seriously, sheer stone face. "A masterpiece, 10/10." Tim put his feet up. "Get your feet off my desk." Tim put his feet down. "How about you?" She sighed and sat on her desk. "Well, I'll be real I wanted to homebrew a race based around The Mask but Harley said that would be too complex and refused. She's lucky she's cute or I would have arrested her for that. So I gotta come up with something else." Tim shrugged. "Well. We're making monsters. Why not play as one?" Kate spun round to face him. "What are you talking about?" Tim rotated the desktop to show Kate an online bestiary. "Obviously you can't play as a Tarrasque because that would be too overpowered but most you could make playable." Kate picked up her chair and dumped Tim out of it ("you could have just asked...") then kissed his cheek. "Tim, you are a GENIUS." Kate scrolled through the monsters. "Oh yes. Ohhhhh yeeeeesss….. Interesting….. I got it. A MINOTAUR." Tim went to the board and erased 'DUMBASS', replacing it with 'big elephant man kills you with Kung Fu. Kung Fu Elephant.' Underneath, he added a shitty drawing of an elephant doing the soul palm strike from Doctor Strange with 'yeet!' written very small next to it. To the right of his elephant man he drew a shitty bull's head. "How you gonna make it spicy, O Sapphic One?" Kate opened her hands in a catching motion and Tim threw her the marker. She yanked the lid off with her teeth and scribbled "O… Sapphic… One…" on her arm then threw the marker back. "I'm gonna spice it by making her just so horny. She's so sexy. Just boning left, right and centre. Getting it 25/8. Non stop sex." Tim nodded and scribbled 'fuck machine' on the board, then he paused and wrote 'unfair to DM?' underneath then looked expectantly at Kate. "Hmm. Good point. We're not taking character creation seriously, but we should take actually playing the game seriously. Harley worked hard on this, we owe it to her to be kind of nice. Fuck machine… sometimes." Tim nodded and added 'sometimes' next to his 'fuck machine' note, underlining it several times. "Gotta get a class too." She clicked around on her desktop looking at the various classes on offer. "You know, it's not as out there as I'd like BUUUUUT I am oddly drawn to the Drunken Master Monk archetype." Tim laughed. "Yeah, sexy drunken bull! That's out there! I'll take that!" Kate smiled back. "Hell yeah! Okay! We're gonna be beautiful friends Timmy." They shook hands as Tim nodded eagerly. "We're going to own this campaign!" She pulled her blazer off the back of her chair and slung it over her shoulder. "Quttin time. Let's get busy."


	2. Loading Screen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO SO LIKE SOME DISCORD NAMES HAVE EMOJIS SOME DON'T JUST GONNA PASTE EM IN FROM GOOGLE DOCS AND PRAY IT WORKS
> 
> -TRIGGER-  
> I know I put graphic depiction of violence in the tags but I felt I should put a specific warning here. Next chapter, and I'm going to assume pretty much every chapter from then on, describes self-harm in minor detail. The self-harm contained in this work is not done out of depression or other mental illnesses, the Blood Hunter D&D class is just Gnarly Like That, and is restricted to cutting palms in combat scenes.
> 
> You have been warned dudes and dudettes.

**HARLEEN ISLEY-QUINZEL’S BATFAMILY DEDICATED DISCORD SERVER**

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Just dump your characters here! Only name, ability scores, race and class are necessary, we'll do backgrounds and personalities and stuff when we meet up! I also strongly recommend you sort what you want for level 3 soon because you will be levelling up very fast! Xoxo

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

I could have been discord friends with Harley Quinn this whole time???? 😩😩😩

**SnarleyHarley💋**

😘❤️✨💖

WAIT WOAH HOLD ON "Batman 🦇 is typing"??? Batman uses emojis??!?!??

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

Yeah you… don't get used to that

**TheFlyingMan**

Guess who taught him. The answer may surprise you! 🔍

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Don't clickbait me bird boy.

**Deader Than Discowing**

3 guesses Quinn

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Uhhh Cass, Harper, Tim?

**TheFlyingMan**

IT WAS BARBARAAAAAAAAA!

**Hippity Hoppity Get Off My Property**

Naivara Moonwhisper

STR 14

DEX 17

CON 9

INT 10

WIS 11

CHA 7

Drow Monk

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

I LOVE NAIVARA also wow also here’s mine

I am a TORTLE (not turtle a TORTLE it’s spelt like that in canon I swear but w/o caps) whose name is Jinet. I am a Warlock and because I picked a Celestial as my Otherworldly Patron I worship a UNICORN. I know you didn’t need to know that Harley but I thought it was cool.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

NO I AM ABSOLUTELY LOVING THIS CONTINUE PLZ :D

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

My stats are STR - 10, DEX - 8, CON - 16, INT - 12, WIS - 17, CHA - 14

He’s a good old wise boy and I love him

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Naivara is baby

Lord Veganoth Tusk-Shatter, PhD.

Loxodon Monk

Str 17

Dex 10

Con 14

Int 10

Wis 16

Cha 12

**Batman 🦇**

Malcer Stormwind

Human

Monk

18 Strength

16 Dexterity

17 Constitution

15 Intelligence

11 Wisdom

13 Charisma

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

She _is_ baby, morning Timmo

**Deader Than Discowing**

Love that 7 Charisma. Her babyness stops her from being scary or convincing. Bruce did you even try? Watch how it's done old man

T.S. Quint

Warforged/Skirmisher subrace

Fighter

S/15

D/18

Con/14

I/12

W/11

Cha/14

**SnarleyHarley💋**

GASP

Is that a Mallrats reference????

**TheFlyingMan**

What the fuck is a Warforged?

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Robosoldier but instead of machinery it's wood and metal plating brought to life by magyks.

**TheFlyingMan**

Well that's dope

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Yh it kinda is

**Deader Than Discowing**

Yeah you said your campaign would be hard fantasy in modern day so I took some liberties and his backstory is he escaped his manufacturing facility and hid out in an abandoned movie theatre. He left before he could get a designation code so he took the name T.S. Quint from watching an old reel of Mallrats that was left in the projector.

**BooksAndBatarangs**

I'm out with Dinah so I'll get back to you, Harley! That's such a cool background Jason :D Naivara is baby!

**RedAndRavishing 🧛🍗**

WHAT'S UP dumbasses just got out of a conference, cousin your character is WEAK Jason your character is LIT Cass your character is BABY Steph your character is RAD **@BlueBlueElectricBlue** where's YOURS gonna send mine in a BIT **P E A C E ☮️✌️**

**SnarleyHarley💋**

THAT IS AWESOME ASJSKCVOAL

**@Dimie Cat On The Track** SELINAAA I KNOW YOU HAVE A CHARACTER FOR MEEEEE COME ONLIIIIINE

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

I just got out the shower aaaaaaaa

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Having a lie in bb x

Character sheet's on the other side of the room

Don't want to get up 😿

**Deader Than Discowing**

Tabaxi Rogue

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

You are a little thief!

**TheFlyingMan**

I already know you play a Tabaxi Rogue

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

Cat thief with like 69 stealth

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Hands off, sneak thief.

 **@BlueBlueElectricBlue** nice

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

👌👌👌

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

Tabaxi Rogue, at lvl3 you'll pick thief archetype.

Harper stop stealing my 69 jokes

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

💋💋💋😘😘😘

**SnarleyHarley💋**

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Selina I can't believe you get bullied like this by a bunch of teenagers and also Kate Kane lmao 

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

**@Alfredo** , get me the papers to disown all these horrible children.

And also Kate Kane.

**Batman 🦇**

I'll happily co-sign.

**Alfredo**

Right away, Miss Kyle. Very good, Master Bruce.

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

BABY I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

You should watch when they go to town on the Big Bad Bat.

All that big, strong muscle, all the punishment he endures for this city and he can't stand up to a small group of 13-25 year olds.

They terrorize him, Harleen.

It's cruel.

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

Lmao joke's on you Cat I don't live here I just come hang sometimes

Anderson

Kenku Blood Hunter

Str17

Dex15

Con13

Int14

Wis7

Cha15

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

I thought Jason was the edgy one wow you play a crow person but also a monster who hunts monsters

**Deader Than Discowing**

Rude.

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

Don't mean to steal your thunder my boy.

Been playing

A LOT

Of Bloodborne recently

So I guess that's where that decision came from

**Deader Than Discowing**

That's fair!

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Since I was HARASSED I guess you just need my name and stats Harls

Sparks On The Rocks

Str 12

Dex 20

Con 14

Int 13

Wis 3

Cha 17

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

Selina what the fuck

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

**_H o w_ **

**Deader Than Discowing**

This is fucking great

Her first time playing d&d and she's gone and fucking broken it

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

Yo what the fuck dog

Cat how did you get _20 Dexterity_

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

To get your stats you roll 4d6 and add the three highest. So the maximum possible for one stat is 18

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Oh no.

**Deader Than Discowing**

🤣🤣🤣

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

ASKDKVJEKCJQK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING NOOOO

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Tabaxis have +2 to Dex. 18+2=20.

**TheFlyingMan**

This is going to be a really fun campaign.

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

At least she has **_3_ ** _Wisdom holy hell_

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Lmao crazy cat lady who plays a cat will be hated by every cat in Faerun

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Cats eat birds honey x

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

😥

**TheFlyingMan**

Oh wow Insight is marked by wisdom too you could tell her any old bullshit and she'll buy it huh

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

_Medicine_ guys no one ask the Rogue for first aid 😂😂

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

_It just works._

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Harper omfg don't invoke The Todd 🅱️lease

**SnarleyHarley💋**

I dated a guy named Todd in college haha

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Harleen did this Todd have like wavy hair, came down to like his neck, soft boy face, likes leather jackets and jeans combo?

**SnarleyHarley💋**

O.O

Woah yeah how'd you know?

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Are

Are you serious right now

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Yeah I'm dead serious

And actually a lot creeped out

For real how the fuck did you know that

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

Oh my god.

Harley Quinn

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Don't say it.

The second you say it, it becomes real in my mind and I'm already up all night as it is.

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

**_??????????_ **

**SnarleyHarley💋**

🤷🤷🤷

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

**_HARLEY QUINN DATED TODD HOWARD WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK_ **

I am physically crying with joy this is the best

Tears on my face you guys

I'm screeching in my office

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

I'm just crying

I legit can't handle this new information

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

WHAT

**Deader Than Discowing**

HARLEY PLEASE I ALREADY DIED ONCE

**Hippity Hoppity Get Off My Property**

ALL I DID WAS GO GET SOME BUBBLE TEA WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS

**TheFlyingMan**

*selfie of him grinning like a maniac with all the batkids in the background collectively losing their shit in the Wayne Manor living room. Tim is clutching his hair, his eyes wide in panic. Cass is sitting in Harper's lap and clutching a bubble tea, both their faces red with exhaustion from laughing. Steph and Jason are on the floor just straight _dying_ in the club lads. Bruce, Alfred and Selina stand just to the side of the frame smiling because the kids are having a good time but also very confused.

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

My secretary just came in to check up on me because she thought I was dying

I have not laughed this hard in my LIFE

**SnarleyHarley💋**

HOW DO YOU ALL KNOW TODD????

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

Harley I'm gonna have to politely ask you to shut up lest I choke to death on my fits of laughter someone DM her and fill her in

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

The seal is broken I might as well we'll brb. Nobody send any messages while we're gone, it'll add to the dramatic tension. Come on Harley.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Yo what the fuck

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

AW SHIT HERE I GO AGAIN

**BooksAndBatarangs**

What the fuck?

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Hi Barbara

**BooksAndBatarangs**

Is this what you all do while I'm gone?

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Everyone's losing it.

Again.

**BooksAndBatarangs**

Can I not leave you people alone for just an hour or so?

**Deader Than Discowing**

Psh sorry _mom_

**BooksAndBatarangs**

Don't take that tone with me.

**Deader Than Discowing**

Yes'm.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Got a character sheet for me?

**BooksAndBatarangs**

Azsha Ohu / Yuan-Ti Pureblood / Artificer

Str 12

Dex 14

Con 10

Int 17

Wis 16

Cha 12

I'm coming to the Manor

**Deader Than Discowing**

Aw you do miss us

**BooksAndBatarangs**

Don't count on it Hood. I miss Dick and Steph and Cass. The rest of you are on a sliding scale.

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Harsh.

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

Don't know _what_ you're talking about

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

Character time woop

Mira Strongvigor-Minotaur-Monk

STR19

DEX7

CON16

INT14

WIS11

CHA16

**Deader Than Discowing**

Side note - Harley do I get a fire/lightning combo big dick energy sword?

**SnarleyHarley💋**

I’ll look into it

Lot of monks in this family

**BooksAndBatarangs**

It's genetic.

**Blood Son**

Says the librarian playing an engineer.

**Deader Than Discowing**

Oh boy here we go

**Blood Son**

Relax, Todd. I’m only here to post my character.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Is he always this blunt?

**Deader Than Discowing**

I think granddaddy hit him too hard once.

**Blood Son**

Final warning Todd

Kanakhad Marston

Kalashtar Rogue

Strength - 14

Dexterity - 19

Constitution - 13

Intelligence - 14

Wisdom - 8

Charisma - 10

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Nice dump stats

**Blood Son**

They are irrelevant. Staying alive and being able to fight is more pertinent than talking to people and performing first aid.

**TheFlyingMan**

You know Damian, Animal Handling is determined by Wisdom.

**Blood Son**

…

Adjustment. Intelligence is now 8. Wisdom is 14. That will be all.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Is that everyone?

**TheFlyingMan**

Nope, just me left. Gotta be honest was scrambling to find my sheet. Didn’t want my cereal to go soggy.

Aurin Blythe

Human Monk

Str15

Dex14

Con13

Int10

Wis7

Cha19

**Deader Than Discowing**

I knew it! I knew you were gonna play a smooth motherfucker!

**TheFlyingMan**

YEAH BABEYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Deader Than Discowing**

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

Y'all I'm having a wild day we should invite more Rogues to the server

**Batman 🦇**

Absolutely not.

**RedAndRavishing🧛🍗**

Boring.

**Deader Than Discowing**

Boring.

**MY PHONE HAS NO WAFFLE EMOJI**

Boring.

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Boring.

**Hippity Hoppity Get Off My Property**

Boring.

**BooksAndBatarangs**

Boring.

**Caffeine In The Bloodstream**

Boring.

**TheFlyingMan**

Boring.

**BlueBlueElectricBlue**

Boring.

**HARLEEN ISLEY-QUINZEL’S ROGUES DEDICATED DISCORD SERVER**

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Just dump your characters here! Only name, ability scores, race and class are necessary, we'll do backgrounds and personalities and stuff when we meet up! I also strongly recommend you sort what you want for level 3 soon because you will be levelling up very fast! Xoxo

**Master Of Fear**

Myar Hareth

Simic Hybrid Artificer

Strength/11

Dexterity/15

Constitution/14

Intelligence/17

Wisdom/16

Charisma/10

On record, I still think this is a terrible idea.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

And off record?

**Master Of Fear**

It

Might not go

Awfully.

**🌹Flower Power 🌲**

Hey Mikey, I think he likes it!

🔫🔫🔫

Harley, can I make my own guns? Be real peachy to have my stuff in game.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

[ https://www.dndbeyond.com/equipment/rifle-automatic ](https://www.dndbeyond.com/equipment/rifle-automatic)

[ https://www.dndbeyond.com/equipment/pistol ](https://www.dndbeyond.com/equipment/pistol)

We can work together on your wrist guns, dm me whenever ❤️ Just need the stats for now hon

🔫🔫🔫

🤘

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Rhodisa Slate

Wood Elf Druid

Strength 10

Dexterity 16

Constitution 13

Intelligence 12

Wisdom + Charisma 17

Lighten up, Jonathan.

**Master Of Fear**

Unlike you, I haven’t forgotten the time Batman broke my jaw. We can’t all mind control the Dark Knight.

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

You’re just mad that he's got no fears to exploit.

**Master Of Fear**

_He’s got one I know he does I know he fucking does he must have something he’s scared of_

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

As his wife, I can attest that he does not

**Questions And Answers**

Word on the street is you know who he is, Quinn.

Flood

Water Genasi

Sorcerer

8 Str

12 Dex

13 Con

17 Int

14 Wis

16 Cha

**SnarleyHarley💋**

That’s Isley-Quinn to you, Eddie, and a lady never tells.

Plus he’s a nice guy. Not our fault he’s on the other side of the law.

**Questions And Answers**

Seeing as we make the conscious decision to commit crimes and not use our skills to help people, I’d say yes, it very much is our fault he’s on the other side of the law.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Do you reckon he’s hacked into our chat and is reading all this?

I know who he is so he probably thought it best to keep tabs on me.

Hi b-man!

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Oh for SURE

He’s got a little side screen up that he checks on occasion, I can see my messages, it’s actually kind of trippy

**Batman 🦇**

Hi Harley.

Pamela.

No fears, Crane 💪

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Tall, dark and Batsome.

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Hello my love

**Master Of Fear**

Oh for chrissakes.

**Questions And Answers**

Do _you_ know who he is, Pamela?

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Unfortunately, no. My wife is oddly tight lipped about this. Would tell you if I did, Nygma.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Do YOU want the hell Batman would bring if his identity got out?

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Sorry, Eddie. You’re on your own.

🔫🔫🔫

Thought the quizmeister was always on his own

**Questions And Answers**

>:(

**SnarleyHarley💋**

IT’S A BITCH CONVINCING PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU HUH EDDIE

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

IF I STOP NOW CALL ME A QUITTER

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

IF LIES WERE CATS YOU’D BE A LITTER

**Batman 🦇**

PLEASING EVERYONE ISN’T LIKE YOU

DANCING JIGS UNTIL I’M CRIPPLED

SLUG TEN DRINKS I WON’T GET PICKLED

**SnarleyHarley💋**

**_W H A T_ **

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

🔫🔫🔫

Batman? With a personality outside of “brooding and scary”? What hell dimension have I entered?

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

No, the kids have just figured out what he’s doing, Red Robin has taken first crack at it

**Batman 🦇**

Listen it slaps ok like I wasnt gonna get in on scissor sisters you fools

🔫🔫🔫

That makes more sense

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

I was worried for a moment that Batman had lost all his endearing charm

**Batman 🦇**

Oh he’s Not Happy you guys he is Not Happy At All

Giving Red Robin the stink eye

Or maybe he’s overjoyed

We can’t tell

This is Nightwing and Red Hood btw

Hello

Sup

**Questions And Answers**

We should really be in a server with the Batfamily, this is… somewhat amusing

**Batman 🦇**

Come off it Riddler it’s fucking hilarious and you know it also THAT’S WHAT I SAID BUT ~BaTmAN~ WAS LIKE “NAH” also this is Batwoman I’m running the show now

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Hey mami!

**Batman 🦇**

Hey babeeyy

**SnarleyHarley💋**

DON’T YOU ALL HAVE STATS FOR ME????

**Batman 🦇**

Do your stats or we’ll all arrest you

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Pro tip: Naruto run to avoid the batarangs

**Batman 🦇**

DSGNFADJONSDAVINFSDVOAO;FSNDDVKFDASJLBNJJSJASVVANNSVCSJKAEGILV

This is Nightwing again. $20 to whoever can figure out who sent the keysmash

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Red Robin 

🔫🔫🔫

Red Robin

He’s annoying like that

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Red Robin

**Questions And Answers**

I’ll take Red Robin for $20, Alex

**Master Of Fear**

Red Robin.

**Batman 🦇**

It was Bluebird aaaaaaaaaa go commit some crimes, I’ll collect those 20 clams when I get y’all

**Questions And Answers**

How many kids does Batman have??

🔫🔫🔫

Never met em

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

I think I ran into her once? Funky hair? Electricity gun?

**Batman 🦇**

Batgirl here. She’s doing a little dance cause you called her hair funky. Think she liked that.

HELL YEAH I DID.

**Got that CRONCH**

I don’t know what I walked in on but I’m loving it. Why do we fight these guys, they’re a riot.

We should hang more.

Also stat stuff:

Braxton Gut - Lizardfolk Blood Hunter

16 Str

13 Dex

19 Con

12 Int

12 Wis

9 Cha

**Batman 🦇**

Ayyyyy Blood Hunters woop - Bluebird

He’s a ruff tuff boi - RR

It took us this long to figure out we should probably sign our names? - Nightwing

That’s because for supposed detectives, your brain cells are all dead - 🦇

That’s cold Bats. That’s just damn cold. - RH

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

I love this family.

🔫🔫🔫

Rask

Str/14

Dex/18

Con/13

Wis/7

Cha/19

Changeling Artificer

**Double Or Nothing**

I don’t even want to know.

Just gonna post what I was meant to post.

Then leave and forget everything I read just now.

Duluk Nash

Orc Paladin

17 Strength

8 Dexterity

16 Constitution

11 Intelligence

10 Wisdom

14 Charisma

**Batman 🦇**

This is all very entertaining, clown, but where are we going to have this event? - Robin

🔫🔫🔫

Kid’s got a point Harls

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Our apartment’s decent, Harley. Not big enough for 18.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

I

Did not think of that.

**Batman 🦇**

How about the cave? - Spoiler

Even I gotta shut that one down, Spoiler. Sorry. - Nightwing

Yeah, plus it’s a cave. Batman has nice toys and computers and all but a cave is a cave and a cave is dark and dingy. - RH

Mm, good point. Just throwing out ideas. - Spoiler

Firewall - Orphan

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Firewall?

Also are you guys just taking turns on one keyboard to relay the conversation you’re having in real time?

**Batman 🦇**

For posterity - RH

Spoiler got a grant from Batman Inc. She used it to set up her own Batcave space called Firewall. These days it’s mostly used as a girls’ den for Friday Night Horror on GEC. Nowhere near the size of the cave but it’s got solid walls and it’ll fit 18 comfortably. - Orphan.

Stephanie leaned over Cass’ shoulder and looked at her incredulously. “Will it, though?”

“If you shuffle the stray bras and Harper’s engineering projects around, yeah we could make the space.”

“Huh. Lemme take over right quick.” From somewhere behind them, Batwoman yelled at Steph. “YOU’VE BEEN HAVING HORROR MOVIE NIGHTS AND YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME? THIS WHOLE TIME?! OK, I SEE HOW IT IS. YOU’RE FIRED.”

We’d need a day or two to clean the place but it’s doable. - Spoiler

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

Not a bad plan.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

I like it!

🔫🔫🔫

Just so long as we get this done, we could do it in the sewers for all I care.

**Got that CRONCH**

No, you very much can, and do, not.

**Questions And Answers**

Surely we can come up with something better than some teenage girl’s pseudo lair?

**Batman 🦇**

Well now you’re just not getting snacks, Riddler - The best most awesome and prettiest teenage girl on the planet.

*Second best. - Bluebird

Agreed. - Orphan

>:( - THE MOST AMAZING WONDERFUL BRILLIANT TEENAGE GIRL ON THE PLANET

**SnarleyHarley💋**

SHUT UP SHE’S THE MOST DELIGHTFUL SPOILER YOUR FRIENDS ARE MEAN

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

BATMAN we are STEALING one of your ADORABLE CHILDREN

**Batman 🦇**

Go ahead. She doesn’t even live here. - **🦇**

That’s mean - Spoiler

**SnarleyHarley💋**

This Thursday. Firewall. Everyone down?

**🌹Flower Power🌲**

No complaints here!

🔫🔫🔫

Ready.

**Got that CRONCH**

Long as I can fit through the door.

**Dimie Cat On The Track**

Only if you invite me to the next girls’ night

**Questions And Answers**

Fine.

**Master Of Fear**

All right then.

**Batman 🦇**

Unanimous in the cave.

**SnarleyHarley💋**

Well hey, let’s roll some dice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop the emojis work. Use mobile for intended visuals. Gonna post another fanfic in between this and actually starting the campaign but I got the first part of the adventure planned out.


	3. Obligatory Tutorial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the exception of Red Hood, I made up all these backstories on the spot. I should have planned ahead tbh but c'est la vie and all. In case you had forgotten from Chapter 1, I will restate. Harley's campaign is high fantasy set in modern day. Party is using physical dice but for everything else, they are using Fight Club 5 which is the best mobile D&D app, I would never dream of using anything else. Without it, this fic just would not be possible.
> 
> -TRIGGER-  
> I know I put graphic depiction of violence in the tags but I felt I should put a specific warning here. This chapter, and I'm going to assume pretty much every chapter from here on, describes self-harm in minor detail. The self-harm contained in this work is not done out of depression or other mental illnesses, the Blood Hunter D&D class is just Gnarly Like That, and is restricted to cutting palms in combat scenes.
> 
> You have been warned, my dudes and dudettes.

**FIREWALL**

**2145 HOURS**

Harper, Cass and Stephanie had set up a table in the base while Jason flooded it with snacks. Harley arrived first, to set up her DM screen and notes and all, joined by Pamela and Selina. The rest of the Batfamily quickly turned up and the Rogues streamed in soon after. Croc just managed to fit through the door without too much crouching. Heroes and villains shared a tense staring contest before slowly sitting down, making no sudden moves. Harley, however, was not one to be fazed by animosity. “I thought before we start, we could go around the table and talk about our backstories a little bit because Matt needs to pad out the word count a little.” She gestured to Pamela, seated to her right. “Babe, why don’t you start? Then we’ll go down the line and circle back around.” Pamela cleared her throat and shuffled awkwardly, not unaware of how on edge everyone was. “Well, uh… I play Rhodisa Slate the Wood Elf. She hails from a small village in the High Forest, where she is considered something of a Folk Hero. She led the charge against Faerun’s expansion projects and left her village in search of something bigger.” Harley gave a thumbs up. “Deadshot?” Floyd, equally tense, read his tale. "I'm Rask. Gunsmith Artificer. I use my Changeling abilities to be even more difficult to pin down in my mercenary work and I'm currently laying low." Harley nodded. "Short and sweet. I like it! Croc! What do you have for me?" Croc growled for a moment, not in anger but thought, then started on his. "I'm Braxton Gut, Lizardfolk Blood Hunter. I'm a Criminal but like Robin Hood Criminal. I started a gang in Zhentil Keep and eventually got to running the city covertly, threatening the royalty into treating the citizens fairly. Eventually the King died and when his son took his place, forced us out and now my gang is scattered." Harley squealed. “It’s got sketchy heroes! It’s got a dead king! It’s got wrongful betrayal! Excellent! Two-Face!” Harvey grumbled but put up no complaint. “I play Duluk Nash, Orc Paladin. Used to be an Iron Route Bandit, robbing trade caravans until he found religion and is now on a path of redemption.” Harley shot finger guns his way. “Yes. I love it. So good. SCARECROW!” Jon replied with his character. “I have a Simic Hybrid Artificer named Myar Hareth. He was a Simic Scientist in the Guardian Project, researching guard monsters and super soldiers. When the funding was cut, he moved into independent study and has mostly been a travelling engineer.” And on they continued, sharing their respective stories. Riddler. “Flood, a Water Genasi Sorcerer. Also an engineer. Spends his time tinkering in his workshop, for the most part and sells his inventions to the highest bidder.” Catwoman. “Sparks On The Rocks, a Tabaxi Rogue. Her family has been haunted by a ghost named Samantha for generations. She doesn’t know what Samantha wants or why she won’t leave her alone.” In this fact, Harley delighted. “I am going to have… SO MUCH FUN with Samantha.” She squealed. Harper burst into laughter. "I'm planning to pick Order Of The Ghostslayer at level 3 so if you want me to clean that up…" Selina waved her off. "She's fine for now, but I’ve got your number if I ever change my mind." You’ve all already met Red Hood. “T.S. Quint, a Warforged Fighter. Was originally made to be a soldier but escaped the manufacturing plant and has been living most of his life in an abandoned movie theatre.” Batgirl. “Azsha Ohu the Yuan-Ti Pureblood Artificer. She has spent her whole life around books, her family very famous historians. She travels the world in search of rare tomes and to be free to pursue her other passion of engineering, which her parents forbade.” Spoiler. “I play a Warlock Tortle named Jinet. Jinet has been a Hermit all her life and discovered through meditation the meaning of life. Unfortunately she didn’t write it down and forgot it when she wakes up. She now travels the world looking for it again.” Orphan. “Naivara Moonwhisper. Drow Monk. Used to be a sailor. Pirates sunk her ship. She managed to escape on a rowboat and joined a monastery in the mountains.” Bluebird. “*ahem* I'm Anderson, a Kenku Blood Hunter. I've travelled from a distant land for reasons that do not at all include being a fugitive and I am well liked and respected among my people and there'll be no further questions on this subject." Batwoman. “I play Mira Strongvigor, a Minotaur Monk with a heart of gold and a stomach of ale. She was cast out of her high-ranking family but nobody liked her family so that spread a kind of ‘enemy of my enemy’ mentality throughout the minds of all the other Nobles.” Red Robin. “I am Lord Veganoth Tusk-Shatter, PhD. I am a Loxodon Monk who has a particular interest in the forgotten places of the world as my background is an Archaeologist.” Nightwing. “I’m playing as Aurin Blythe the Human Monk. I’ve put the background as Entertainer but I wanted it to be more of a ‘he’s a really entertaining guy’, rather than he belongs to an official one-man show or circus or something. He’s always telling jokes, asking people if they want to see a card trick, playing poker, that kind of thing.” Robin. “Kanakhad Marston is a Kalashtar Rogue. He is a Dimir Operative and has been assigned to track the activities of the Shadow Thieves' Guild." Batman. "Malcer Stormwind. Human Monk. Left his monastery to become an investigator." Harley chuckled. "Once a detective, always a detective. Let's not delay any longer."

_A glimmering city with enormous skyscrapers towering high above street level. Cars bumper to bumper, horns screaming furiously as the rush hour traffic piles up. The buzz of citizens chatting away as they head to work, the occasional bleary eyed night shift worker heading into the subway station, looking forward to well-earned sleep. This is Leadgate, the biggest city on Cadus 047, the planet you inhabit. Leadgate also holds the title of the largest military force in the world, a military force that resides in the few miles of land between the city itself and its namesake border gate that surrounds the city, and it is here, in the office of the head of the military where we start our adventure. Those of you who didn't have horns or impressive size impeding their entrance into the room are face to face with Sergeant Major Greene, a muscular man who is, at this point, more scars than flesh and missing an eye. He has requested your help._

Kate immediately sprung to action. "I arm wrestle him." Harley felt the type of despair that is so specific to Dungeon Masters. "You are not in the room." Kate shrugged. "I tell him to get out here and arm wrestle me." Harley sighed. "The door is closed, he can't hear you." Kate began to speak again but Cassandra shut her down. "I ask what he needs help with."

"Oh thank god." Harley adopted her best approximation of an archetypal Grizzled War Veteran. "There was a goblin attack at the south perimeter last night. We held them off easily but they've been getting bolder in recent weeks and I can't risk wasting manpower on a full scale assault. You don't need to take out every goblin in the nest, you'd be dead for sure. All you need to do is take out the goblin bosses and the rest will scatter. You'll be compensated for your efforts, of course and any treasure you find is yours for the taking as well." Jason followed up, in a monotone voice, an octave lower than his regular volume. "Where is… this nest… and how will we find… the bosses?" Sergeant Major Greene replied "40 klicks northwest of here. You can take an APC out there. We've sent routine scout missions in, mapping out the nest. There's a chamber that acts as a sort of throne room, for lack of a better term." Harley elaborated in her regular voice. "So for travelling obviously you guys can't walk everywhere and I couldn't really think of a good vehicle? A rig truck seemed wasteful and a car isn't big enough so when you've cleared out the goblin nest, you can just keep that APC and you can travel around in that. We'll say it runs on an arcane core so you guys don't have to worry about gas or nothin." The party gave a general muttering of agreement. "OK, so you head out-" Kate interrupted. "Wait wait! I wanna arm wrestle him!" Harley leaned back. "OMG Batwoman, fine. Mira walks into the office and her horns break the doorframe, she arm wrestles Sergeant Major Greene, you now owe the US Army 250 gold pieces in damages. Roll a Strength check." Kate's dice clattered. "Fuck. 11." Harley rolled. "19+4, 23 he slams your arm into the desk and it collapses, you now owe the US Army 300 gold pieces in damages."

"Is it safe to assume I have a ton of money in the bank because I'm rich?"

"5 minutes ago you said your family kicked you out so no. You all pile into the APC provided to you by Greene." Harley smiled evilly. "Who's driving?" Chaos erupted as nearly everyone broke out to claim the driver's seat.

"ME."

"No, Harper, that's me."

"Can you two even drive in real life??"

"Yeah, let the adults drive. Like me."

"I'm driving."

"Yeah, not likely Nightwing. I'm taking the wheel."

"Oh, you wanna fight me on this, _Floyd_?"

"HEY, HEY, EVERYONE SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP. What did you say, Orphan?" Cassandra repeated herself, louder. "I'm driving." Harley smiled. "It's settled then." Jason called shotgun, as did Croc. Naivara hopped up behind the wheel and got into gear, T.S. and Braxton joined her up front, the rest of the party settled in at the back. They drove out to the goblin nest with the route programmed into the GPS and arrived at a large cave entrance by the edge of the forest, a river flowing downstream from the cave mouth. Naivara parked a little ways into the forest and they all got out, pushing forward. The cave wasn't much special. Dark. Damp. Cold. The river they stood in came up to about their ankles. There was a moment of silence as each member considered their options before Selina spoke. “I assume we have a map of the caves?” Harley nodded as she sipped a can of Coke. Sparks retrieved the map from the APC. “OK, I’ll have this. I can see in the dark so I can read the map without light. Remember, we can’t fight them all so we’ll stay dark.” Rhodisa joined in. “I’ll read the map with you, that way we can be extra sure we’re going the right way.” Rask began to set up his rifle. “I’m gonna use a thermal scope and a silencer. We can have some flexibility in dark conditions, at least.” Malcer studied the group. “We should figure out an order that we walk in, in case of ambush. Rhodisa, can you act as lookout?” She gave a thumbs up, not looking up from the map. “Braxton, you walk in front. Duluk and T.S., bring up the rear.” The party headed into the cave, eventually coming to a walkway in the rock formation above a chamber. Peering down, they could make out 6 goblins and three other, much larger goblins wearing chain shirts. Four of the smaller goblins were wrapped in tattered bedrolls asleep, the other two huddled around a fire cooking some form of meat. The goblin bosses were nose deep in several large treasure chests filled with weapons and jewels.” The party fell silent as they weighed the possibilities before Croc piped up. “How high up are we?” Harley scanned her notes. “40ft up.”

“Is there some kind of entrance?”

“From where you are, there’s about 10ft of rock formation leading into the chamber under a largeish arch. There’s another platform inside about 15ft in length. On the ground, there’s a big crack in the wall, about 10ft behind you.” Braxton levelled his gaze at Mira. “Mira, how heavy are you?” Batwoman, who immediately caught on to his insane idea grinned. In a booming voice, not too dissimilar from the Silver Shroud character voice in Fallout 4, she said “give me that fucking rope.” Flood, who had also caught on, stopped them. “You two know I can cast Feather Fall, right?” he said. Mira continued tying the rope around her waist. “Save your spell slots, sorcerer. You may need them.” Harley was laughing uncontrollably at this point. “Obviously, I can’t just let you _do_ this, uh, Braxton, roll an Athletics check as you LOWER A MINOTAUR ON A ROPE.” Croc rolled a dice app on a specially made phone to accommodate his hand size and claws. “15?” Harley nodded. “Yeah, that’ll just do it, I’d say.” Braxton lowered her down carefully. The pair had a couple of close calls where Mira knocked some pebbles loose and Braxton had to pause but the goblins were too distracted by their activities to notice this spectacle. “Mira, how are you resolving this? Because I want you to know that a Hempen rope is 50ft long and I am going to make it so that you used 10ft to make sure it was secure enough to hold you.” Kate scratched her head. “Uhh, you know what, I’m just gonna roll Athletics and see if I can untie it then climb down the rope.” She rolled. “16 PLUS 4, THAT’S A 20!!!” The Batfamily let out a cheer, the Rogues, also somewhat impressed. Mira hauled herself up a bit to get some distance, then untied the rope and twirled and tumbled down like a rope dancer, landing silently and elegantly. Once she was firmly on the ground, she shot a thumbs up to Braxton. “We’re buddies now.” Kate said to Harley. Croc let out a gravelly chuckle. “That was absolutely a team-building trust exercise. Buddies now." Kate grinned. “Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!” She moved up to the entrance door and crouched behind some rocks. Sparks On The Rocks was next to climb down and she spread her bag of caltrops right by the entrance. She crept round, positioning herself behind the sleeping goblins then climbed up 25ft to a ledge and perched, waiting patiently. Myar and Azsha levelled their bows at the goblins. “Anyone else got something they want to prepare for? OK, let’s do it. Roll for initiative on every surprise attack in D&D, jesus christ you guys went in on this.” Harley pulled out a battlemat and miniatures, placing them accordingly. The party rolled and she noted down the order. Rhodisa extended her palm and spread her fingers, focusing her magic on the flickering flames of the campfire in the middle of the chamber and closed her eyes. The fire jittered and twisted rapidly growing smaller and smaller before giving off a tiny explosion and extinguishing completely. She tapped Rask on the shoulder and Deadshot took the wheel. “I assume that’s the only light in the chamber?”

“Yep. You are in total darkness now.”

“Cool, so I get advantage on attacks because of the thermal scope. I’m gonna shoot one of the goblin bosses.” Floyd rolled his d20. “17+6, 23.” Harley blinked. "Plus SIX???" He shrugged. "S'what it says." She checked his app. +6 to attack rolls with his rifle, clear as day. "Well I don't think there's any point rolling advantage. Roll damage, and double it cause you got a critical hit." He rolled. “21 damage.” Harley screamed in fear. “OKAY. I GUESS. Uh…” Rask steadied his breathing, lining up the red dot with the small, vague, hazy white oval on the goblin boss who had just looked up from treasure as the light of the fire went out. He squeezed the trigger and fired a single shot into the goblin boss’ head. The goblin boss next to him let out a bloodcurdling scream as his best friend's head exploded, showering him in blood and grey matter. He looks around in confusion. “Everyone mark 200 XP."

"Sick." He high-fived Pamela. "Jesus Christ, Aurin, you're up." Dick stared at Floyd a moment in terror then turned to Harley. "What's going on with the gerblins?" She looked at the map. “Here’s what I’ll do, one goblin boss is dead - thanks, Deadshot - one, I will say is now Frightened because of the fucking one-shot rifle - again, thanks Deadshot - the two campfire goblins have now moved around, one heading for the exit, one just kind of 10ft left of the campfire, weapons ready. The four sleeping goblins are awake but aren’t fully coherent yet so they’re still in their bedrolls.”

“Well. Mira’s got the runner-”

“Thank you.”

“And I can’t see in darkness, so not much I can do.”

“You can do whatever, just if you attack you have disadvantage cause it is dark as FUCK, son.” Dick brightened. “Oh! In that case - will going down the rope take up my action?” Harley shook her head. “Normally, it would but this is our first session and the darkness is a hindrance enough. I just wanna play, so I won’t slow you down this time.”

“Thanks.” Aurin clambered down the rope and moved up to the closest sleeping goblin. He slammed his quarterstaff down but the goblin rolled. Aurin stomped his heel down on the goblin’s face and the distinct snap of a nose bone resonated through the chamber. The goblin, now aware of the events around him crawled forward and grabbed his scimitar, slashing down Aurin’s leg, opening up the flesh. He cried out in pain and limped as far as his leg would carry him. “Selina, talk to me about these caltrops.” Selina tapped at her phone for a moment. “Give me a Dexterity saving throw.” One of the goblins who had been sitting by the campfire sprinted out of the chamber, noticing Sparks’ caltrops too late and slammed a foot down hard on the bundle of spikes. Azsha having bore witness to her dear friend get his leg sliced open, headed down the rope and sprinted up to the goblin responsible. When she stopped, she threw her hands out, enveloping the goblin in green, noxious gas. His flesh sizzled and bubbled against the harsh mist and he collapsed to the ground choking. “Everyone mark 50 XP.” The goblin that was on his way to raise the alarm was so busy trying to pick the caltrops out of his feet, he almost didn’t notice a hulking silhouette with two enormous horns cast over him. Mira gave a cruel smile. “What’s the rush little goblin?” Before he could even utter an “oh no”, Mira lowered her head and charged forward, her hooves protecting her from the caltrops and impaling him on her horns. She turned to the goblin boss and let out a booming laugh. “Remove your armour, coward!” Harley immediately rolled a dice. “Roll intimidation. With advantage, I guess because of the DEAD BODY on your FACE.”

“Good thing I can, because that was a FIIIIIVE. EIGHTEEN!” The goblin boss, whimpering, quickly discarded with his chainmail shirt. “Fucking hell. Everyone mark 50 XP. Batwoman got you to level 2. Don’t worry about new equipment and skills and stuff, when this is over, you’ll all be level 3. Kanakhad. Four Goblins, two Goblin Bosses. What do you do?"

"I attack a goblin boss with my shortsword." Kanakhad joined the fray, moving in and standing motionless with his eyes closed, the tip of his sword on the ground, the end of the hilt resting comfortably in his hands. The goblin boss took advantage of this supposed vulnerability but Kanakhad was quicker and sliced the goblin on the chest. Duluk dropped down too and finished off the goblin boss, cleaving him in half with his greatsword. “Everyone mark 200 XP.” Dick swiped some marshmallows. Flood pondered his spells then decided. Breaking the party pattern and remaining on the ledge he charged a ball of swirling black energy and sent it flying towards the last goblin boss. Striking him square in the chest, the black energy crept around him, covering his whole body before turning white and crystallising, forming into ice, trapping him. “Mark 200 XP. This angers the four remaining goblins and they start to converge on the rope.” She gathered the miniatures and placed them 30ft from the rope. T.S. drew a pistol and fired two shots down, but, not being close enough to make out any discernible features, both bullets ricocheted off the stone floor. Sparks decided it was time to make her move. Unlike T.S., she could see just fine and lined up her shot for an admittedly crazy plan. Taking a few deep breaths, Sparks leapt through the air twisting her body into a gainer and slams her paws into the nearest one. The goblin collapses and the sound of a bone snap once again fills the chamber, signalling a broken leg.She hops off of him and draws her whip. “He’s now prone and immobilised, which isn’t a condition in D&D but he’s not really grappled? His leg is broken? So we’ll say he’s immobilised.” Jinet shuffled forward and lined up a goblin then snapped her fingers. A bolt of sparkling white/blue lightning tethered her to this now electrified goblin. Now backed up by only two of his pals, one of whom was currently being used as a rechargeable battery, the middle goblin fired an arrow at Mira. She tried to move but she was just too slow and the arrow embedded itself in her shoulder. She laughed and yanked out the arrow, but she was in pain and there was no way around that. Lord Veganoth got down now and let out a trumpet with his trunk then charged forward. Two goblins moved out of the way but he flattened one in his stampede and the goblin with the broken leg discovered what it felt like to have your head crushed by an elephant. The goblin tethered to Jinet finally gave out and the lightning disconnected as his fried body fell to the ground, his features charred and crumbling. “Everyone mark 50 XP.” The remaining two goblins surged forwards, more driven by wanting to leave than wanting to fight. One of them fired off an arrow in the direction of Rask but in his haste, couldn’t line up the shot and the arrow clanged uselessly against the formation. They got to the rope and started climbing. At the top of the rope a Kenku took a seat by the edge, letting her leg dangle like a treat as she watched the goblins rush up with boredom. Before they could get in reach, she stood and dragged the blade of her axe against the flat of her palm. The axe started to give off a cracking sound as if walking on a frozen lake and cold vapors began to trail off of it, the blade turning white as ice crystals began to grow and spread on the metal.

The goblin barely had time to peek over the edge before a frozen axe blade sliced through his head and his body went limp, falling 40ft to the ground, splattering blood everywhere.

“Wonderful execution!” Anderson heard Mira yell. “Thank you!” she yelled back. “Everyone mark 50 XP.” The last goblin, now desperate to just get out of this hell pit, peered nervously over the ledge. It went looked up as Myar plunged his shortsword into his face. Te goblin joined his friend below. “Kind of a rehash!” yelled Mira. Harley clapped. “Yaaay you solved my goblin puzzle! And you’re level 3 now!! That wasn’t so bad, huh guys?” Damian scowled but muttered something like “it was fine, I guess.” Everyone else, however, gave a much more net positive response. “OK, everyone take a break, sort out your new level 3 stuff and we can get going.” The party set to work choosing their new items and discussing the fight. Before Harley continued on. “OK. Where is everyone? Are we all on the goblin chamber floor now?” A general wave of agreement swept through. “I pick up my caltrops and then I search through the treasure.” Selina noted. Harley nodded. “Everyone make an Investigation check, seeing as I’m assuming you all want treasure. Again, a general clamouring of “yes” went through the party, followed by the clacking of dice. They all sounded off and Harley pulled out a notebook of items, both canon and homebrew with which to reward accordingly.

“OK, who rolled the 22?” Harper raised her hand. Anderson dug through one of the many chests and dug out an axe, similar in size and shape to her current one but with runic markings on the flat of the blade. She got the weight of it in her hands. Two handed. One handed. She gave it a few test swings. On a rather large cleave, she lost her grip and it accidentally flew out of her hand. She pointlessly yelled “no!” and reached out to it and to her surprise, the runic markings started to glow a bright cyan and the axe shot back into her hand. A few more test throws and Anderson had confirmed she can recall the axe. “You now have the Leviathan Axe. It does 1d12 slashing on both one and two handed attacks and it can be recalled as a bonus action.” Digging again, she also found a small, hollow cylindrical device, silver with black panels, held with two hands. Turning it over, she found a golden rectangular switch on the side. Pressing it, a beam of light somehow slid outwards and the device started to softly glow and hum. “You now have a lightsaber. It can be used with one hand for 2d8 radiant damage and two hands for 2d10. I leave the colour up to you.” Harper got up and kissed Harley on the cheek. “20, that was you, Red Hood?” T.S. Quint shifted aside the jewelry and loose coins before finding a katana. The scabbard blended blue and orange. Pulling it out, the metal began to heat up and glow orange, but it did not melt. At the same time, lightning started to arc off it, getting faster and faster until there was a steady current running from the crossguard to the tip of the blade. He saw Anderson swing her new axe a few times and decided it would be best to do the same. T.S. cut through the air a few times and accidentally shoot off a vertical arc of lightning that travelled along the ground before disappearing. Once the lightning had vanished, the sword lost its electric current. He sliced again but this time shot a horizontal wave of fire that, again, travelled a distance through the air before disappearing. Like last time, once the fire was gone, the blade cooled and became a regular katana. Jason leapt up and threw his fists in the air. “YEEEEESSSSSS!!!” Harley laughed. “You get the Maelstrom sword, it.... Where did I put those notes? It does 1d8 slashing one handed and 1d10 two handed as well as 1d4 lightning or fire damage. If there are no enemies within 10ft of you, you can also slash it horizontally for a wave of fire that travels 20ft or vertically for a line of fire that travels 30ft. Both attacks do 1d12 damage but you can only do each one once! Once you spend a charge, you lose the elemental bonus for whatever attack you just did! Charges reset after each day.” Harley beamed at him. “Told you I’d see what I can do.” T.S. continued digging. After some moments, he saw a beautiful, but rusted golden spear at the bottom of the chest. He grabbed it and as he did, he felt a godly presence wash over him. The spear flickered then shone with glowing light like a damaged fluorescent that had just been fixed. The rust began to patch over and when it did, the light faded. “This is the goddess Athena’s spear. It deals 2d8 damage and grants a +3 to attack rolls with this weapon. On a critical hit, your target also takes 5 radiant damage.”

“Selina, you rolled that 18 so let’s see what I can give you.” Sparks On The Rocks was happy with her whip, bolas and caltrops. Luckily, one of the chests was more suited to clothing. After not too much exploration, she found a pair of leather boots. Placing them on, she noticed no immediate change but as she went to go and climb back up the rope, she stopped. She walked back. She walked forward. She sprinted on the spot. She jumped. She slammed her foot on the ground. Sparks was astonished to find that she had no footsteps. “You got the Boots Of Elvenkind and they make your footfalls completely silent on any terrain, providing advantage on Stealth checks.” Selina nodded and got typing. “Another 18…” Flood, went looking for specific items. He had no interest in most weaponry, though if one piqued his interest enough, he would bring it on his travels. What he got here though, he immediately recognised and decided to keep it. “The Ring Of X-Ray Vision! Use an action to speak a command word and see through a foot of stone, an inch of metal or up to three feet of wood or dirt! Anything thicker blocks it as well as lead! Use the ring again before taking a long rest and you gotta make a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or take one point of exhaustion.” Harley rifled through some more pages in her item notebook. “Batwoman with the 17.” Mira discarded various armour on the basis of “ugly” or “seen better” or just plain damn “broken”. She was about to turn and leave when a flash of blue caught her eye. She tossed some helmets aside and pulled out a shield. It had alternating red and blue circles with a white star in the middle. It was metal but lighter than any shield she had ever used. Rask stopped digging and looked at her. “Nice.” She nodded. “Mira gets a Vibranium Shield! This star spangled shield once belonged to a mighty warrior and is nearly indestructible. It adds +3 to your AC and can be thrown for 1d6 damage with an extra d6 per level. It will always return to you after hitting a creature and ONLY a creature! If Anderson throws her Leviathan Axe into a cliff face and it tumbles down below, she can just call it back. If you throw your shield into the cliff face, it’s gone.” Kate hastily noted down her new item. “With her 17, Rhodisa…” The druid decided to go clothes shopping with Sparks, eventually pulling out a dark green cloak. She put it on, testing weight, comfort and of course, snuggliness. Then she threw the hood up. “Um, Rhodisa? I think you’re invisible.” At Sparks’ observation, she looked down. Sure enough, only her feet could be seen. “The Cloak Of Elvenkind. When the hood is up, Perception checks against you have disadvantage and you get advantage on Stealth rolls. Putting the hood up or down requires an action.” Pamela hugged her wife. “A lot of 16s, so I‘ll just burn through them and you guys can look them up later. Azsha. Amazon Bracers. Rask. Eversmoking Bottle. Braxton. Rope Of Climbing. Kanakhad. Potion Of Gaseous Form. Duluk. Ring Of Protection.” Harley mumbled a “use them wisely” as she jammed a fistful of popcorn into her mouth. “14, Naivara gets the…” Sparks tossed Naivara a pair of boots. “These look your size!” She pulled them on. They were a good fit. Comfortable. She clicked her heels and stood at attention, making Sparks laugh. She walked over to Sparks and Rhodisa. Or at least, that’s what she tried to do. She sprinted and tripped over the chest. Naivara marveled at her boots. Picking herself up, she ran from one wall to the other. Then she ran on the ceiling. “Boots Of Speed. Click your heels together and double your walking speed. Opportunity attacks have disadvantage. Speed boost ends after you click your heels again or the boots have been used for a total of 10 minutes, after which you need a long rest.” Cass. Harley paused. “Now. A ten. Batman. The way my system works is this. 1-9 gets adventuring gear and one treasure, up to 50 gold’s worth. 10-19 gets one piece of clothing or an item of increasing value. 20+ gets you two weapons. I would normally not give such a good item to such a low roll but when I saw it, I simply had to grant you this boon. There was no way I could bring myself to refuse you this, the most precious of treasures. I, Harley Quinn, with my powers of Dungeon Mastery, do bequeath unto you, level 3 player character Malcer Stormwind…” Malcer thought he could use some upgrades, so he dug through the chests too. He pulled out a black cloak. The hood was… odd. Instead of going over the head, it went over the face, stopping at the nose and had two pointy ears. Catching sight of Malcer in the cloak, Sparks smiled to herself and bit her lip in thought and also arousal, a little bit. “The Cloak… Of The BAT! When you wear this piece of finery, you have advantage on Stealth checks. In areas of dim light or darkness, you can grip the edges of the cloak and fly 40ft. If you lose your grip or exit dim light or darkness, you lose your flying speed! If flying is not for you, while in dim light or darkness, you can cast Polymorph on yourself to turn into a bat, after which you retain you Intelligence, Wisdom and Charisma scores. You cannot turn into a bat again until the next dawn!” Batman considered for a moment. “Heh. Hahaha. Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Batman got up, still laughing and removed his cape, draping it around her shoulders. “Now that’s funny!” Harley started to chuckle then also burst into laughter, more at the sight of Batman laughing than her creative choice.

“9. Aurin. You, my friend, have just not been having a great time today! I hope this gift will cheer you up. How about a piece of moonstone and a grappling hook?” Dick sighed dramatically. “Well they’re not an indestructible shield or a summonable axe or a fire and lightning sword but they’re nice. I’ll take them.” Harley consulted her notes. “7. Jinet. I shall give you a Dragonchess set and a chunk of onyx.” She nodded and added her new items. “And the sixes. Lord Veganoth Tusk-Shatter, PhD, I shall grant you a book and a hunk of obsidian. Myar, you will be getting… Lapis lazuli and antitoxin.”

_As you dig through the chests and head to the rope to find your way out, the wall implodes! And 10 or so cult members dressed in purple and yellow robes with clown make up stream in! But oddly enough, they completely ignore you. In fact, they do not even notice you are there. They dig through one of the chests, emerge with a single, smallish ruby and leave without another word. The explosions, however, rang throughout the chambers and you have no time to question the events as you exit the cave. Soon after, you're back in Sergeant Major Greene's office, ready to give your mission report._

"It was… not unsuccessful." Malcer told Greene. "What do you mean 'not unsuccessful'?" Malcer elaborated. "The Goblin Bosses were all eliminated."

"I impaled somebody!" Mira called from the hallway. "But… some clown acolytes… took a ruby… and ran. Not… mere… coincidence." T.S. finished. Greene snapped his head up. "Acolytes?" Malcer nodded. "Clown acolytes. Green and yellow robes. Why, you know something?" The Sergeant Major sighed, collapsed down into his desk chair and pulled a bottle of whiskey out. "God help us all. The evil wizard Joker is back again. A few years back he put a hex on the water supply. Damn near killed the city. Went dark after a few more schemes. If you can track him and kill him, you'd be saving a lot more lives than the ones in this city." He sighed again. "Well, first things first. You did as I asked." Harley explained further. "You all get 300 gold, except Mira who has every penny taken from her for the damages." Kate didn't seem to mind much. Harley continued in Greene's voice. "You can keep the truck. Just don't scratch the paint." Sparks stepped up. "How do we find Joker?" Greene produced a map. "Follow this road here, through the west. Last time we tracked him, he was in Port McTavish. Highly unlikely he'll be in the same spot 7 years later but it's your best, and only, lead. Good luck." Mira whooped with glee. "Roadtrip!" She and Braxton high-fived.

_You've been on the road for almost a full day now, and night has long fallen, when Rask, you see-_

"Wait, why is Rask driving?"

"Because last time I asked you who was driving it was even more of a mess than I anticipated, so I choose now and I choose Rask. Now shut up."

_Rask, as you're driving along, you see tyre tracks. They're erratic and you slow to a stop. They lead about 20ft on then take a harsh swerve into the woods._

Rask decided to rinse and repeat their last outing, choosing the right attachment for his rifle and propping up on the engine of the APC keeping an eye on whoever decided to go up. But he had a feeling, they might not need his help. "Flower lady!" Mira boomed. "Yes?" Said Rhodisa. "You can talk to plants, can you not?" She shook her head. "I can talk to animals, but not plants. That's a 3rd level spell." Mira tapped her chin. "Well, come with me anyway! Anderson! Cat! Tortle! Sword priest! We shall go up! The rest of you, stay here and watch our transport!" Kate returned to her normal voice. "I want to make it official that Mira only remembers you by the physical feats you have done or if you have helped her directly in any way so at this point, she only knows Braxton and Anderson by name."

_The five of you go up to the wreckage and find a smoking Shelby GT350, once a beautiful muscle car, now completely flipped and propped up against a tree. Its chassis is bent beyond recognition, its windshield more like a solid spider's web, both wing mirrors lost, front bumper pointlessly and sadly hanging on. Groceries are oddly scattered amonst the wreckage. You see an arm, human in feature but not in size, sticking out of the shattered window with some glass shards in it._

"I tear the door off and pull the person out." Said Harvey. "OK. Roll a Strength check but seeing as the car is pretty totalled, you won't have to roll very high, say 10 or above."

Duluk gripped the carbon fibre door and ripped it clean off, gently extracting a Goliath woman from her car. She was on the precipice of death, her breathing shallow and imperceptible, her glasses shattered and bent, just barely hanging onto her face. A jagged bone had forced its way out of her right leg and her left arm was bent in a way arms were not supposed to bend. "Ha ha ha!" roared Mira. "You are like a little baby! Watch this!" Kate paused. "I roll to lift the truck."

"This you will have to roll high for."

"Ffffffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive?"

"You break two fingers trying to lift it, take two points of damage. Duluk, what are you doing?"

"You said she's breathing?"

"Barely." Duluk took Mira's hand and muttered a brief incantation. Her fingers cracked and snapped back into place. Satisfied, he then knelt down and placed a hand on the driver's forehead, muttering a much more complex prayer. The glass pushed itself out of her arm and the wounds began to close. As Mira's fingers had done, her leg contorted and gave off horrible cracking noises as the bone wormed its way back in. Her arm twisted of its own accord, settling back into the boundaries of human joint rotation. The woman took a deep gasp and jolted awake, looking around, delirious before she realised what had happened and rested back down. "What's your name, O Child Of The Radical Car Crash?" Duluk muttered gently. The woman edged back, as is the universal reaction when waking up face to face with an orc, but the Paladin armour calmed her somewhat, if also confusing her. "Rachel. Uh, Rachel Brand. Do you guys have something for the...?" She gestured vaguely to the blood on her face and tossed her now useless glasses into the forest. Rhodisa sat down next to her, doing her best to wipe Rachel's face with the ends of her cloak. "Sorry, no. We're not really the handkerchief carrying types. Can you tell us what happened Ms. Brand?" She sniffed and nodded, marvelling at her now bloody, but whole and functioning legs. "Yeah uh… yeah, I was driving along, heading home from some shopping in the city. I live out in the forest. In a cabin, you know? Never much liked the city. Too noisy, I guess. A-anyway, so yeah, I was driving and it was the wildest thing, this clown car rams me, sends me flying. You believe that? A fucking _clown car_ . I pass out, the next thing I know, you guys are here. Is that a Minotaur or are your healing spells defective?" Rhodisa absentmindedly grew a flower and placed it in Rachel's hair. "Unfortunately, she is as real as you or I." Mira mouthed ' _unfortunately?_ ' at Anderson, who shrugged in response. "That's Mira Strongvigor. The little creepy feathered one is Anderson, the brute is Duluk Nash, I am Rhodisa Slate." Rachel laughed. "Gotta say bucko, I cannot see a fuckin thing without my glasses so everything you said means dick to me." She nodded and continued. "We're here to help you, Ms. Brand but in order to do that, you must help us by telling us everything about the… clown car." Her face fell. "You don't believe me." She took Rachel's hand. "Ms. Brand-"

"Rachel." Rhodisa recoiled slightly at the uncomfortable level of familiarity. "Ra… chel… I travel around with a Minotaur, an Orc and a crowperson. I make the flowers bloom at my slightest whim. I left my village where I was considered a hero in search of a bigger purpose, a search that lead me into hunting down a killer wizard clown who may or may not destroy the world, I don't know yet, we'll see. The problem here is not that I don't believe you, Ms. Brand. It's that I believe you wholeheartedly. Now, for the love of Rillifane, will you please tell us which way they went." Rachel stood and looked at the sky. "It was still dark when I crashed. They can't have gone far. They may have set up camp somewhere? I don't know man, I'm just a writer." Anderson extended a hand. "Then we'll give you something to write about. We can drop you off at your cabin on the way." She took it cautiously. "Uh… thanks?"

_After Flood retrieved and fixed Rachel's glasses, you lead her back to the APC and as Anderson opens the doors, she is met with your ragtag group of quote-unquote heroes. She looks over everyone carefully before turning back to you. "You really want me to get that bestseller, huh beaky?" Some 15 minutes later, you've dropped Rachel off back at her cabin. 20 minutes later you come across a soft orange glow emanating from the trees and you all disembark. You move up and as Rachel said, a camp, set up by the same clowns you encountered in the goblin chamber. 5 lay resting in a tent. Three sit by a campfire. Two patrol the outside of the camp and one of the patrolling acolytes head inside a second tent._

"Ahem?" The party all turned to look at Sparks On The Rocks. "My time to shine." Harley let out a deep, strained sigh. "Is there… ANY POINT... in asking you to roll stealth? Cause you got the, what? +5? To stealth."

"+7. +5 and proficiency."

"Je-SUS Selina!!! Then the boots, which I see now was a mistake…"

"Well, I'll roll it anyway, for fun. Might be a crit fail. You never know." An expression of inspiration crept across Harley’s face. "You know what? Yeah. Roll."

"Oh shit. She’s into it. Guys, it’s bad when the DM is into it, right? 17, by the way."

"You walk right past a guard with zero intention of being silent and he says "ooh, cold breeze out tonight" because you are so goddamn stealthy, it’s unreal." Sparks walked confidently into the forest with Anderson, Rhodisa and T.S., who offered to provide backup. Rhodisa threw her hood up and climbed a tree and the three stayed a few feet back in the foliage as Sparks strolled right behind the campfire guards, her boots masking any sound she would have made and peeked into the tent. The acolyte was busy with some documents so she slipped in. Now with a full field of vision, she saw the ruby lying on the table as well as some orders that appeared to be from Joker. “I wanna choke him out, can I use my sneak attack to do that? I don’t know how damage would apply in a non-lethal situation.”

“We’ll say the 1d6 extra damage can be added to your Strength roll, go ahead and roll AC with advantage.”

“11.”

“Just barely hits. Damage roll, please. Add that 1d6.”

“Something’s gonna happen to me and it’ll be bad, she’s way too calm, I can feel it. 9 damage.” Sparks jumped the acolyte and put him in a chokehold, bringing him down as he gasped. Eventually, he stopped struggling and went limp. “Here’s 50 XP for you all.” As Sparks stood up she came face to face with a short, translucent woman in a dress giving off a soft pale blue glow. “Ah, Christ. Hey, Samantha.”

“Purple. Red. Black. Clear. Blue. Destroy Green.”

“Would you mind keeping your voice down?”

“Purple. Red. Black. Clear. Blue. Destroy Green.”

“Hey, Jimmy, what’s going on in there?” Footsteps grew closer. “Thanks, Samantha.” Sparks drew her whip. “While the guard is approaching, I quickly grab the ruby and orders.”

“Make a Sleight of Hand check to see if you do it in time.”

“16.”

“Fucking hell, that 7 bonus, man. It’s killing me. Alright, now…” Sparks grabbed the ruby and orders and the acolyte entered the tent. “Hey, Jimmy, I swore I heard a girl in here- HEY, INTRUDERS! THEY’RE STEALING THE RUNESTONE!” Sparks gave her own order. “GO NOW! ATTACK!” Harley pulled out a second battlemat and some miniatures. “Roll for initiative!” They went to roll but Pamela had an idea. “What if… Only we rolled? Do as much damage as we can and if it gets too much, we can all bail and lead them to you guys. That way, we can jump out of initiative and have a reserve of full health fighters ready to take over.” No one had any complaints so the four rolled and Harley took the order. “ANDERSON! You’ve got three acolytes 15ft dead ahead of you converging on the tent! One 30ft ahead and about 5ft to your left who was patrolling and is also moving up! 5 acolytes, just woken up in their bedrolls 25ft up and 15ft to the left. One acolyte in the tent with Sparks On The Rocks! What is your move?”

“I am going to move 5ft to the left and throw my Leviathan Axe then move back to where I was and recall it so it hits the acolyte in my way.”

“I think that is very cool and deserves 1 inspiration and you should roll twice against AC! HOWEVER. That is technically two attacks and you know the rules, Bluebird, only one attack unless specified otherwise. HOWEVER HOWEVER. It is still dope as shit and if you hit the second acolyte, he won’t take damage but he will be knocked prone.”

“Fair enough. 10 on the first, 14 on the second.”

“It hits both! Roll damage. ONLY ONCE THOUGH!”

“What do I get with 8 damage, Alex?” 

Anderson threw her axe as hard as she could and sliced right through the acolyte’s arm. The blade glowed and froze in midair, then spun right back, the handle knocking the acolyte down. “I wanna catch it and strike the Captain America pose from Endgame when he picks up Mjolnir.” Jason jumped in. “I also wanna draw the Maelstrom Sword and get into stance.”

“OK. Is this an Intimidation or…?”

“I don’t know about Red Hood but I just wanna look cool.”

“Same.” Harley laughed. “Yeah, OK.” The pair certainly struck an odd sight, a crowperson and a robot, with an axe and a fire/lightning sword. The robot darted forward. “I want to attack the one in the tent. I take it 9 does not hit AC?”

“It does not, no.”

“I take it 11 does?”

“It does, yes.” Harper protested. “Wait, why does he get two attacks?” Harley and Jason shrugged and said “fighters, man.” T.S. dashed out of the tent and slashed upwards at the acolyte and he dodged but was not so fortunate on the downward stroke. Another acolyte parted with his arm.

“So, that was 7 damage and as a bonus action, I’m going to give myself advantage on all attack rolls and resistance to bludgeoning, piercing and slashing damage for my next turn.”

“Cool. Rhodisa.”

“Gah, I’ve wanted to use this for so long. I cast Entangle just in front of the tent Sparks and T.S. are in. 20ft square, I want the tent just outside the border of it. You give me a DC 13 Strength check.”

“OK, I’ll just make one check for both of them to speed things up.” Weeds and vines erupted from the ground, grasping at solid matter and finding the acolytes, snaring their arms and legs, holding them down. They struggled against them but to no avail. “Sparks, it’s your turn.”

“Slash his throat with mah claws.”

“Roll AC.” Sparks quickly shredded his throat and he dropped to his knees gurgling as his larynx smacked against the tarpaulin side. “That was… How do... the humans... say? Gnarly.” T.S. looked at his hand as if trying to remember how to move it then held his open palm aloft. Sparks grinned and high fived him. “Gnarly.”

“Sparks... On The Rocks… I... do not… wish to… alarm… you-”

“The ghost? Yeah, she pops up on occasion. Says the same thing over and over then disappears. Sometimes it’s for a few moments. Sometimes weeks on end. Just gotta wait it out.”

“Purple. Red. Black. Clear. Blue. Destroy Green.”

“I… was unaware… you were… familiar… with an apparition. Greetings and salutations… spirit.” Samantha turned to T.S. “Hello, mechanical man. I’m Samantha. How are you today? That’s an odd way of speaking you have there, Mr. Quint. Are you damaged?”

“Running internal diagnostic… systems at… 88% capacity. Vocal… modulator… incomplete. Arcane core at… 94% capacity. Armour plating integrity at… 100% capacity. Overall analysis… I am well… today. My name… is… T… S… Quint. How... are you?”

“Oh, that’s a fine name, Mr. Quint. Considering I’m no longer alive, I’m doing very well, thank you.”

“17 YEARS I GET THE COLOURS OF THE FUCKING RAINBOW, YOU’VE KNOWN HIM 20 SECONDS AND HE GETS “HELLO”?!”

“We have known… each other… for… 1 minute… and 2.08… seconds. In addition… several colours… of… the… rain… bow… are missing… from… Samantha’s refrain… as… well as.. clear… not being part… of the… rain… bow… too.” Samantha blinked in surprise. “I didn’t know you wanted to be more familiar with me, Sparks On The Rocks.”

“Just Sparks is sufficient, please. And I don’t know what death did to you but it is universally assumed that people do not want to hear the same seven words on repeat since they were 18 years old. So yes, from now on, please, I am begging you, can we have full conversations?”

“Well, of course! What do you want to talk about?”

“Not right now because people are trying to kill us.”

“Oh, OK. I’m sorry, I’ll be quiet!”

The acolytes were unable to break free of their leafy prison and the other 5 streamed out of the bunk tent, horrified at the sight that greeted them. The patrolling acolyte picked up his arm and placed it against his shoulder, muttering an incantation. A purple-yellow light streamed over his wound like mist and the arm reattached. He picked up his club while two of the sleeping acolytes charged at Anderson, the other three heading into the forest, trying to get around Rhodisa’s plant trap to attack Sparks and T.S. Anderson closed the gap and gripped her axe with two hands.

“12 against AC?”

“Go for it.” Anderson crashed the blade into the acolyte’s neck, parting his skull from his body, some blood staining her face. “This time, you don’t get up.” she growled. “That’s another 50 XP!” T.S. drew both his pistols and fired shots at the snared acolytes. A bullet passed cleanly through the first acolyte’s forehead and Rhodisa’s spell let the body go as blood trickled down his face. “God, you guys are racking up these 50s _fast_ , huh?” The second acolyte was yanked down by the plants as he tried to break free and involuntarily saved his life. The bullet barely scraped his jugular, leaving him alive but heavily injured. T.S. spun the pistols on his fingers and holstered them. The acolyte was gently put down as the plants retreated, only to be wrapped in a vine that shot out from the trees and impaled with thorns then yanked forward, dragged lifeless along the ground. “Another 50.” The second acolyte who charged Anderson smashed his club into-

“Wait wait wait, I thought only one charged me?”

“10 acolytes. Three by the campfire. One patrolling. One in the tent. Five asleep. Sparks On The Rocks choked the tent acolyte unconscious. One of the campfire ones raised the alarm and the other two went as backup. Sparks killed that one, Rhodisa snared the other two in her plant magic and T.S. killed them. Two of the ones who were sleeping charged you, three went for T.S. and Sparks. And Rhodisa too, because she used the thorn whip and she’s not stealthy anymore.”

“And the patrolling acolyte?”

“Healed up and waiting for his turn.”

“Ah.” The second acolyte who charged Anderson smashed his club into her chin. The other three, now unimpeded, move in. Two cast Sacred Flame on T.S., the other cracks their club over Sparks’ head. The patrolling guard moved in on Rhodisa. Anderson sliced her palm open and let the blood trickle over the blade of her axe. The familiar chill overcame her body and ice crystals began to cover the blade. She buried the axe deep in the acolyte’s body and moved back 15ft, letting the body freeze over. T.S. moved back 10 feet from the acolytes. Giving a deft horizontal cut, a blast of fire shot from the blade. One of the acolytes ducked leaving his friend to catch the blast square in the chest and be set ablaze, quickly crumpling to the ground, his flesh sizzling. His hubris was soon cut short as T.S. rammed a spear into the acolyte’s chest. “Praise... Athena.” he said as the spear shone with golden light, filling the acolyte with radiant damage. “That’s 100 XP.” Rhodisa dropped from the tree and placed her palm on the ground. By appearance, nothing had changed but the acolyte screamed as hundreds of tiny spikes embedded themselves in his feet.

“So.” started Harley. “There’s been a lot of murder. Lot of body parts severed. I just want to take a break and get some story info on the rest of the party. What are you guys doing while there is all this screaming coming from the forest?” Barbara and Stephanie looked at each other. “Got the radio on, I guess?” Aszha and Jinet sat in the front seat of the APC with the heating on. They had flipped through some stations, with nothing of particular interest coming up when they came across a station that played radio serials from the 20s to 50s. Currently, the station was having an anniversary run of The Shadow. In the back, Aurin had set up a makeshift hammock and was taking a nap while Duluk got the floor. Through the windshield they could see Rask, back on the engine hood, keeping a watchful eye on the treeline in case something that wasn’t their party members came running out. Everyone else was training or tooling with weapons.

Sparks cracked her whip at the acolyte, striking the end against his face. The patrol acolyte figured he wasn’t going anywhere so he placed his hands on his boots and once again, a purple/yellow mist spread from his hands, healing his feet. The last one retaliated at Sparks with his club, smashing her ribcage. Anderson yanked her axe from its crystalline prison and hurled it at the patrol acolyte, sending him crashing forward, his eyeballs pierced with hundreds of spikes. When Anderson was sure he was dead, the axe glowed and flew back into her hand. “I’m gonna call you Levi.” T.S. drew and fired a shot. The bullet grazed the acolyte’s shoulder. His second shot, however, went right between the eyes. His spun the pistol on his finger and holstered it. “Thank you for your cooperation. Good night.” Rhodisa rescinded the spikes and she and Anderson joined them. “That was a very well fought battle, everyone!” said Samantha. Rhodisa and Anderson froze in place. “Is that… A ghost?” Anderson drew her axe. “I’m killing it.” Sparks and T.S. immediately protested. “She’s um… my ghost.”

“ _Your_ ghost?”

“Yeah. Her name is Samantha. She appears at random times, says some colours and stuff for a random period of time then disappears. I don’t know what she means but we discovered she’s got the vocabulary of a functional adult human being earlier.”

“She is… very kind…”

“Yeah, she is pretty nice now that she’s not parroting the same stuff over and over.” Sparks turned and smiled at T.S. “Hey. They had Robocop in that cinema of yours too?” T.S. dipped his head in confirmation. “It is… somewhat of a… relatable movie… I… like... it.” Anderson nodded. “I like it too. Come on, T.S., let’s see what they’re keeping from us.” Anderson and T.S. headed into the tent while Sparks, Rhodisa and Samantha looted the bodies. In the tent was the unconscious acolyte and some documents, most irrelevant but a map with seven red Xs marked on it, at various places in Cadus 047 stood out. One X had a blue dash through it. Another piece of paper, a typed list of safe houses. Anderson took the map and T.S. slung the acolyte over his shoulder. Everyone stared at the five as they approached. “They weren’t open to negotiations.” explained Sparks. “Also that’s Sam. Say hi, Sam.”

“Hello new friends!”

“She’ll be tagging along for an indeterminate amount of time and I don’t even have a say in the matter, so neither do any of you. DULUK! Get up, we gotta put a body in the truck.” The unconscious acolyte was tied up and gagged and they drove off to Port McTavish.

The sea spray was inescapable, leaving salt heavy in the air. On the drive over, Flood, along with Myar, repaired T.S.’s vocal modulator and they arrived in the morning, taking rest anywhere they could - at an inn, on a boat, in the APC (if size permit), some even on the ground around the APC. When dawn broke, the party convened and they discussed what they know. “OK. Joker wants that stupid ruby for some reason, so obviously it’s important. That means we should take it to an arcanist, not an appraiser.” Anderson gestured to the crosses on the map. “These markings are most likely locations of other gems. I’m going to assume that this ruby is

A.) Magical, and

B.) Part of a set. These orders the acolytes had. There are different groups being sent out into the world, looking for them. We’re gonna have to round these babies up if we wanna stop Joker. I think we should stick to the plan we had last night. Send in Sparks to retrieve the gem. If it’s not too much hassle, kill the acolytes. Otherwise, grab and go. We’ll have one team stay back a bit and one team on reserve.” Braxton stretched his arms. “I can ask around about the gems. See if anyone’s heard anything” Sparks nodded. “Thank you, Braxton.” Rask also piled on. “Maybe some mercs took some unsavoury job prospects. I’ll check those out.”

“Appreciate it, Rask. The rest of you, join me at the arcanist?” Anderson looked inside the APC. “One of us has to stay with the acolyte though. In case he wakes.” Sparks smiled. “Well, since you’re so eager to volunteer, Anderson…?” She shrugged. “Fine by me, furball. I’ve heard enough about gems for now. Call me when you have info.” The party headed to an arcanist. No one was at the counter but thousands of magic books, trinkets, clothing and various artifacts distracted them from this fact. Azsha wandered off into other sections while the gang headed to the front. Sparks dinged the bell three times and a thin, reedy voice with an Irish lilt came from the back room. "Just a moment please!" A portly, bespectacled gnome woman came out from the back and jumped in surprise at the patchwork of adventurers. "Oh! Oh my! Hello, there! I get a lot of travellers in my store but none so varied as you! People like you always have something good for me! Ah, where are my manners? Welcome to Edina's Ethereal Emporium!" Sparks looked at her companions in confusion. "Um… yeah… we have a ruby we'd like you to look at? If it's not too much trouble?" The gnome donned her glasses and Sparks handed it over. Edina’s face grew hard and she shoved the ruby back into Sparks’ hands. “Leave my store.” She started into the backroom but Mira blocked the way. She scowled at Edina for a moment before sitting down. Even cross-legged, Mira was still good foot taller than the tiny shopkeep. “Edina, please. A lot of lives could be lost if you don’t tell us what this is.” Harley let out an “awww”. Kate got defensive. “Well I’m not going to threaten an old lady, jesus! Mira loves to fight and drink, she’s not a sociopath! She’s mega ripped and her biggest muscle is her heart.” Harley teared up. “Batwoman…” she sniffled. “Roll Persuasion.” The whole table burst into laughter. “Yeah, yeah all right. 14?” Edina let out a heavy sigh and went back to the counter. Mira propped herself up with her axe and rejoined the group. “This thing you have is dangerous. Volatile.” Veganoth stepped forward. “We’re aware, Edina. But what IS it? Obviously this ruby is special.” She sighed again. “SPARKS!” The party jumped and Edina cowered under the counter as Samantha popped into existence. “You didn’t tell me you had red!” Sparks gripped the table as she was overcome with shock. “You mean to tell these gems are what you’ve been saying to me over and over for nearly two decades? And you never thought to mention the colours corresponded to an object?” Edina quivered from behind the counter. “I-is th-that a-”

“Oh my god, yes, it’s a ghost, don’t worry she’s friendly. Sam, what the hell?”

“I assumed you had all the gems.”

“WHY would _I_ have _these_???”

“Oh, I… I guess you wouldn’t. Edina, what is it?” Edina emerged from the counter and composed herself, albeit with minimal success. “This is no ruby, travellers. This is the Chaos Realm Runestone. In the wrong hands, it could bring forth a living hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, characters use the Fight Club 5 mobile app for everything except dice rolls. It's the best. If you play D&D, this is the only thing you need to buy, and I cannot recommend it enough, I promise I am not endorsed by Lion's Den I just freakin love this app. Without it I would just not be able to write a fanfic in which 18 people play D&D. It's free, creating characters is so easy and quick, homebrewing anything is a breeze and purchasing the full version for less than a cup of coffee allows you unlimited characters, which means I can do stuff like this. Even without the 17 character sheets specially made for this fic, I've got 6 characters that probably totalled about 18 minutes to make. If you like to roll dice, please get this app. In fact, I'm gonna time how long it take to make a character, after writing this chapter, I've been wanting to branch out, watch this.
> 
> 5 minutes. 5 freaking minutes. Get this app, buy the full version, it will make your life easier.


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